Say hello to my little friend

[Ninurta]

My Missus will rival your fear of them and even breathed "Oh Gawd!" when she saw the photo!
They don't bother myself and that's why -just as I get comfortable and ready to type another episode of
Peggy Powler, she'll hiss and point at a dark shape hunkered in the corner of the room.

No... it's not BIAD playing silly-buggers, but a spider that's come in out the cold and I have to attempt to
save it before her lethal slipper executes the poor thing.

But she's just admitted from the past images of your surrounding terrain you kindly provided, it would be
the snakes that would prohibit her from falling asleep!!

Oh, I'm scared of them alright, but it's hereditary I think - my Dear Old Dad never suffered one to live a-tall. He never even went for a shoe or other implement of destruction, he just immediately squashed them under a thumb on sight, like a cobra striking. No thought for it, just immediate reaction.

A few years ago, my niece had a bedroom in the basement here. She was going to come upstairs one day when all of a sudden, there was a blood-curdling scream, and then she started yelling for me. I had no idea what sort of nefarious things were afoot, so I went running to see what was wrong. There she was, gasping for air and pointing at a Huntsman Spider sitting complacently in the middle of the floor, effectively blocking her passage. By that point, she could no longer even speak, just gasp for air and point.

The spider WAS a big-'un, quite a bit bigger than the one imaged above. It was probably around 5 1/2 or 6 inches across the legs. I glared at the spider, and it sat there and glared back at me, standing it's ground. I glared some more. The spider glared some more.

I glared.

The spider glared.

I heard, somewhere in the background, the theme from "The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly" start playing.

I glared some more.

The spider glared some more.

The Niece continued gasping and pointing.

I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I pounced quickly enough, I could squish it before it could carry me off without a saddle.

So I did.  I gave it both feet, all 180 pounds of me, all at once, and the spider was no more. Then I rode off into the sunset, still shaking and jittering.

Another time, in my previous house, I was just sitting there minding my own business in My Chair - the official one, the Big Ninurta Chair -  eating supper, when Grace suddenly started shrieking and gasping and pointing incoherently over my left shoulder. I immediately sprang out of the chair and turned around, all in one swift move, and there it was.

A big assed eight-legged freak, perched on the back of my chair, eyeing the plate which was still in my hand. When it first topped the back of the chair, Grace thought it was the cat climbing up there... until she realized it had too many legs for a cat, and hilarity ensued.

I have no idea what kind of spiders those monsters over there were. My sister called them "tarantulas", but I'm pretty sure that's not what they were. I just called them "saber-tooth spiders", on account of the giant fangs they bore. I have  images somewhere of those, too - close ups of those giant shiny black fangs. Nasty bastards. I beat that one to death with a shovel handle I had laying around.

Me and spiders, we have a history... and it ain't a good one. It's war to the death.

Now snakes, they occasionally get into the house, too. At the old house one afternoon, Grace was in the kitchen cooking supper when she started shrieking. She has just the cutest little shriek, like she ain't even trying at all. Anyhow, when she shrieks like that, I know something is up, so I went a-running, and there it was... a snake. In the kitchen. Swinging into action, I grabbed a machete, and a broom to use as a foil, and did battle with the dreadful beast, eventually slaying that dragon right there in the kitchen. Pinning it's head to the ground with the broom, I beheaded it as it tried it's damndest to coil around the broom and remove said obstruction from it's august personage.

The aforementioned niece found one in her bedroom in the basement here once. It was a tiny little thing, but she was shrieking for me, so I went to do battle once more. She was up in the middle of her bed, and would NOT set foot on the floor until the dragon was slain. I killed that one with a boar spear, and flung it harmlessly outside to complete it's death throes.

I guess I don't have the best history with snakes, either.

One day, perhaps, I'll tell the tale of giant spiders and giant snakes in a Central American jungle. But not today. it's only been 40 years or so, and the memories are still too fresh and raw...

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