Greetings folks.

I thought I would share with you all a thread I wrote many moons ago on another forum "cough cough" .

Some of you here may have already read it but for those who haven't...

Certain phrases and words have been changed to protect the guilty.

Enjoy :

We currently have sweltering conditions over here at the moment and the temperature was up to 35°c in the shade yesterday afternoon...

urgghhhhhhhhh... same thing today...

Usually around 09:30 pm I turn off the air conditioning and open the windows but keep the shutters closed so the cooler evening air will circulate through the house leading to a good nights sleep.

Last night Mrs R opened them and them came back downstairs to snuggle up with me on the sofa to watch that pirate "coughs" film that we have been wanting to watch for ages and for which i also profited whilst Mrs R gave my hot and sweaty feet a sensual massage!

Erm, if anyone is interested I have some cheap Maroille cheese for sale...

Around 11pm we both went upstairs and went through the usual routine of brushing our teeth, having a shower, inspecting faces for wrinkles, squeezing spots, farting etc etc when i noticed that not only were the windows open but SHOCK HORROR also the shutters....

Without any further ado i closed all the shutters, had a quick look around to check that no nasty beasties had flown or crawled in, jumped into bed, enlaced Mrs R with my strong muscular sinewy arms (ok ok... i exaggerated) and then slowly i fell asleep....


When suddenly out of the blue (or black as it was nightime) the most horrendous noise in the world came to my ear :



With a back-hander to my left ear which left me with ringing bells for a couple of seconds, i jumped out of bed and turned all the lights on to see what was flying away from me at such high speed?

And that was when i went into my full total mozzie frenzy... :



"Hummppff grummpppff wassup" groaned Mrs R groggily as i shot across the room, stubbing my little toe off the bedside cabinet and half tripping over the bedroom rug almost knocking myself sensless on the shower screen..




"Nothing's the farking matter darling, there is an effing mosquito in the effing bedroom thats all... Go back to sleep!" I riposted as i began to see the "red mist" commonly known as Mosquito kill syndrome well up before my eyes... 




BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE : 



Around the room i limped (not forgetting i had a stubbed toe)... bumping into the exercise bike that we bought 10 years ago and never used and giving my funny bone a good smack at the same time off the handle bars... (Note to oneself "put exercise bike on Ebay").

MURDER WAS ON MY MIND...

I chased the bastard thing out of the bedroom and into the bathroom where i stubbed my other little toe on the side of the bath... "whoops how unfortunate" Mrs R giggled from the bedroom...

Nothing came to mind when I heard her comment of course!  "coughs again":



Only making the red mist turn to a rather deeper crimson colour... "i think you should refrain from commenting right now dear" I responded as quietly as possible in order to not wake my son up in his adjacent bedroom (i don't know why though, as i could hear him quietly guffawing under his sheets at my pain and misfortune (i have no idea where he gets that from?)), not knowing which foot to clutch in agonizing pain as i hopped out of the bedroom and slowly down the stairs after the buzzing twat!

I mumbled many culturally rich words and curses as i grabbed a dishcloth off the wall and ran around the kitchen and dining room after the little bar steward :




Whilst i was running around stark naked in my mozzie frenzy, jumping over the sofa whacking away like a nutter as the mosquito flitted to the left and right half knocking plants and ornaments over i did not hear or notice Mrs R quietly plodding down the stairs with the can of "Catch" clutched in her hand.

"Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "

I heard from behind me...

"Bloody hell" i exclaimed quietly "a whole tribe of them are atacking me now"!?...

Only to turn around and see Mrs R holding the can with that pretty little smile that says everything for a woman to her man in times of great strife such as this!

DOOOOOORK!

I said nothing... i turned my head and witnessed the mosquito tumble in slow motion like a shot down Messerschmitt over the British channel until it hit the floor (not even with a sickening thud which i would have loved!) to which i promptly brought up my injured left foot and squished him right into the floor... DEAD... NADA... NO MORE... hehe i was a happy man once again...



"Ewwwweeee don't do that it's disgusting" Mrs R had to jab at me...

"No comment and thank you for your help" i grumbled with a low voice as i sulkily (pride was hurt) but valiantly limped back upstairs as a manly man does after stubbing his toes in order to save the world and threw myself under the covers...

The rest of the night was spent with my head under the sheets... leading to an extremely bad nights sleep because i was too hot and fearing for that dreaded whiny buzzing sound (Whilst Mrs R heartily snored away of course!!!) which meant that this morning i felt like this :



Ever since that dreaded day about 15 years ago when i was stuck in a lift alone with a mosquito who i chased around the lift until it landed on the mirror and i tried to kill it with one of my fingers leading to a double fracture of my index finger have i had this very deep and meaningful hate for these critters...

Well tonight stuff it, all the windows are staying closed...

Kindest respects

Rodinus

Yeah, mosquitoes win the " P I T A " award, hands-down.

Cheers

ROTFL! 

Thanks.

(06-29-2020, 07:50 AM)Rodinus Wrote: Around 11pm we both went upstairs and went through the usual routine of brushing our teeth, having a shower, inspecting faces for wrinkles, squeezing spots, farting etc etc when i noticed that not only were the windows open but SHOCK HORROR also the shutters....

So THAT'S what happens when you're Married ...Wow

That was a hell of a post Rod, never seen it at the other place.

I have one word though ....SPIDERS! *takes fetal position*

There is nothing that ruins a night more than those things, gimme a Mosquito any day (do we have them in the UK? don't think I have ever seen one)

I was up til about 4am the other night because a Spider decided it was gonna just sit there above my bed looking like a serial killer for a few hours, while I sat there sweating in fear for my life, slowly going insane with sleep deprivation.

.... I'm having flashbacks!

(06-29-2020, 03:31 PM)Moonmagic Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 07:50 AM)Rodinus Wrote: Around 11pm we both went upstairs and went through the usual routine of brushing our teeth, having a shower, inspecting faces for wrinkles, squeezing spots, farting etc etc when i noticed that not only were the windows open but SHOCK HORROR also the shutters....

So THAT'S what happens when you're Married ...Wow

That was a hell of a post Rod, never seen it at the other place.

I have one word though ....SPIDERS! *takes fetal position*

There is nothing that ruins a night more than those things, gimme a Mosquito any day (do we have them in the UK? don't think I have ever seen one)

I was up til about 4am the other night because a Spider decided it was gonna just sit there above my bed looking like a serial killer for a few hours, while I sat there sweating in fear for my life, slowly going insane with sleep deprivation.

.... I'm having flashbacks!

Yep, that's marriage for you!

We have these insects called Scutigéres over here in France (House centipedes)




From Spring until end of October we have these things scurrying from time to time on the walls of our house.

They can bite (rarely) and one night I woke up with one half way into my mouth! That slap hurt I can tell you!

Respects

Rod

(06-29-2020, 03:50 PM)Mystic Wanderer Wrote:

 

Love it!  Nothing like a funny story. We need more.

There are more to come...

(06-29-2020, 04:40 PM)Rodinus Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 03:31 PM)Moonmagic Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 07:50 AM)Rodinus Wrote: Around 11pm we both went upstairs and went through the usual routine of brushing our teeth, having a shower, inspecting faces for wrinkles, squeezing spots, farting etc etc when i noticed that not only were the windows open but SHOCK HORROR also the shutters....

So THAT'S what happens when you're Married ...Wow

That was a hell of a post Rod, never seen it at the other place.

I have one word though ....SPIDERS! *takes fetal position*

There is nothing that ruins a night more than those things, gimme a Mosquito any day (do we have them in the UK? don't think I have ever seen one)

I was up til about 4am the other night because a Spider decided it was gonna just sit there above my bed looking like a serial killer for a few hours, while I sat there sweating in fear for my life, slowly going insane with sleep deprivation.

.... I'm having flashbacks!

Yep, that's marriage for you!

We have these insects called Scutigéres over here in France (House centipedes)




From Spring until end of October we have these things scurrying from time to time on the walls of our house.

They can bite (rarely) and one night I woke up with one half way into my mouth! That slap hurt I can tell you!

Respects

Rod

That's a no from me, anything with more legs than a dog can stay the hell away from me! 

Haha. I love travelling abroad but hate the insects what "Lurk". Remember going to Florida years ago and seeing this humongous thing on the hotel wall. Couldn't even tell you what it was. But i swear  its "Knob" was bigger than mine.  So obviously it had to die!!!!!!!!

(06-29-2020, 06:04 PM)TheDoctor46 Wrote: Haha. I love travelling abroad but hate the insects what "Lurk". Remember going to Florida years ago and seeing this humongous thing on the hotel wall. Couldn't even tell you what it was. But i swear  its "Knob" was bigger than mine.  So obviously it had to die!!!!!!!!

I live in the woods and the mosquitoes can get bad come sundown, but this year they are the worse I have ever seen them, and some of them are the size of butterflies.

I can't help but believe that they are the ones that have been deliberately released. I swear we are just lab rats to them.

I am ready to go back to carrying fire torches at night.

Genetically engineered mosquitoes get EPA approval for Florida release

(06-29-2020, 06:22 PM)NightskyeB4Dawn Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 06:04 PM)TheDoctor46 Wrote: Haha. I love travelling abroad but hate the insects what "Lurk". Remember going to Florida years ago and seeing this humongous thing on the hotel wall. Couldn't even tell you what it was. But i swear  its "Knob" was bigger than mine.  So obviously it had to die!!!!!!!!

I live in the woods and the mosquitoes can get bad come sundown, but this year they are the worse I have ever seen them, and some of them are the size of butterflies.

I can't help but believe that they are the ones that have been deliberately released. I swear we are just lab rats to them.

I am ready to go back to carrying fire torches at night.

Genetically engineered mosquitoes get EPA approval for Florida release

It's crazy. They breed them to do certain jobs (like attack other critters what devour crops etc) But who knows what they are thinking when they are out in the field with The mates!. They could start having a go at everything. Nature should never be messed with in my opinion.  This will be me next time I arrive in the USA 

(06-29-2020, 06:35 PM)TheDoctor46 Wrote: It's crazy. They breed them to do certain jobs (like attack other critters what devour crops etc) But who knows what they are thinking when they are out in the field with The mates!. They could start having a go at everything. Nature should never be messed with in my opinion.  This will be me next time I arrive in the USA 

I am going to order this.

(06-29-2020, 06:55 PM)NightskyeB4Dawn Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 06:35 PM)TheDoctor46 Wrote: It's crazy. They breed them to do certain jobs (like attack other critters what devour crops etc) But who knows what they are thinking when they are out in the field with The mates!. They could start having a go at everything. Nature should never be messed with in my opinion.  This will be me next time I arrive in the USA 

I am going to order this.

That's a wise choice. Fail to prepare prepare to fail!

(06-29-2020, 04:40 PM)Rodinus Wrote: Yep, that's marriage for you!

We have these insects called Scutigéres over here in France (House centipedes)




From Spring until end of October we have these things scurrying from time to time on the walls of our house.

They can bite (rarely) and one night I woke up with one half way into my mouth! That slap hurt I can tell you!

Respects

Rod

Dead... I would've been dead... I would have shit, pissed, puked, burped, and farted all over the place. No. Nuh-uh. Hell no man, no way. Only thing worse would have been a spider or roach going into my mouth. I'll kill, peel, and grill a snake all day long (They wander up from the back of my land all the time), I'll take on a wolf or a robber any day. I'll hunt or fish, I'll do any of that man shit. But if THAT son of a bitch in your picture crawls into my mouth, or a spider or a big waterbug roach, I'll burn the fucking house down to kill it. (excuse the dirty language)

(06-29-2020, 07:23 PM)LSU2018 Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 04:40 PM)Rodinus Wrote: Yep, that's marriage for you!

We have these insects called Scutigéres over here in France (House centipedes)




From Spring until end of October we have these things scurrying from time to time on the walls of our house.

They can bite (rarely) and one night I woke up with one half way into my mouth! That slap hurt I can tell you!

Respects

Rod

Dead... I would've been dead... I would have shit, pissed, puked, burped, and farted all over the place. No. Nuh-uh. Hell no man, no way. Only thing worse would have been a spider or roach going into my mouth. I'll kill, peel, and grill a snake all day long (They wander up from the back of my land all the time), I'll take on a wolf or a robber any day. I'll hunt or fish, I'll do any of that man shit. But if THAT son of a bitch in your picture crawls into my mouth, or a spider or a big waterbug roach, I'll burn the fucking house down to kill it. (excuse the dirty language)

Oh my, can I relate.

I was at a company picnic with my family back when I was about 16 years old. I became the first streaker in that little country town.

We were playing around at something, I don't remember what, when a bug flew down the back of my blouse. In trying to remove the blouse it fell down my bra, while trying to remove the bra, it fell in my pants. Off came the pants all the while, I am screaming and running towards the water to get it off of me.

Everyone was laughing too hard to help me. I too am one of those people that can't stand anything that creeps, crawls, or flies, anywhere on my person. I completely lose it.

(06-29-2020, 07:59 PM)NightskyeB4Dawn Wrote: Oh my, can I relate.

I was at a company picnic with my family back when I was about 16 years old. I became the first streaker in that little country town.

We were playing around at something, I don't remember what, when a bug flew down the back of my blouse. In trying to remove the blouse it fell down my bra, while trying to remove the bra, it fell in my pants. Off came the pants all the while, I am screaming and running towards the water to get it off of me.

Everyone was laughing too hard to help me. I too am one of those people that can't stand anything that creeps, crawls, or flies, anywhere on my person. I completely lose it.

OH NO!!

What a sight to behold! When I was in my teens (my mom loved to mow the yard so I never had to), I would sit in the den and wait.... When she'd be towards the ditch, there would always be a wasp that buzzed her and she'd fly off of that mower and start running and flailing her arms. That was before lawnmowers had a kill switch when you got off the seat so she'd have to chase it down hahahaha!

(06-29-2020, 04:40 PM)Rodinus Wrote: We have these insects called Scutigéres over here in France (House centipedes)




From Spring until end of October we have these things scurrying from time to time on the walls of our house.

They can bite (rarely) and one night I woke up with one half way into my mouth! That slap hurt I can tell you!

Respects

Rod

We have those in the US too. I've never seen any here where I live now, but I used to see them a lot when we lived in Kansas City. I don't know what they are called here, but I call them "gozillion legged death bugs from hell". Look to me like a mad scientist experiment crossing centipedes and spiders gone horribly wrong.

I used an aerosol can of hair spray and a bic lighter as a makeshift flamed thrower to kill them.

The normal centipedes that live here where I am now are bad enough. Thank God the giant Huntsman spiders keep them in check! 

.

(06-29-2020, 08:55 PM)Ninurta Wrote:

(06-29-2020, 04:40 PM)Rodinus Wrote: We have these insects called Scutigéres over here in France (House centipedes)




From Spring until end of October we have these things scurrying from time to time on the walls of our house.

They can bite (rarely) and one night I woke up with one half way into my mouth! That slap hurt I can tell you!

Respects

Rod

We have those in the US too. I've never seen any here where I live now, but I used to see them a lot when we lived in Kansas City. I don't know what they are called here, but I call them "gozillion legged death bugs from hell". Look to me like a mad scientist experiment crossing centipedes and spiders gone horribly wrong.

I used an aerosol can of hair spray and a bic lighter as a makeshift flamed thrower to kill them.

The normal centipedes that live here where I am now are bad enough. Thank God the giant Huntsman spiders keep them in check! 

.

I think they are called house centipedes.

A quick search will tell you they are the bugs you want to have around, because they eat other bugs like spiders, roaches, silverfish, and even termites.

I have learned to make friends with some critters, like lizards, frogs, and snakes. Because their dinners are my enemy. It looks like this fellow will be spared the shoe in the future.

As long as he stays way from me. Touch me and it is toast.

As I was out running my errand today, I noticed medium sized black spider on the door beside me.

I was driving.    

I screamed and grabbed the napkin in the cubby hole in the console and started smacking to beat the band. I had stopped the car right in the middle of the two lane road we were on... in a curve.
Hubby was shouting at me that I was going to get us killed, and I was screaming, "Where did it go?! Where did it go?!"

I didn't see it, so I knew it was still next to me in the floor somewhere.

I kept looking down and almost running off the road until we reached out destination. There I saw it in the floor. Tried to kill it again. Never saw any guts on the napkin, so I think it's STILL in there!    

Did I mention I HATE SPIDERS?

(06-29-2020, 10:31 PM)Mystic Wanderer Wrote: As I was out running my errand today, I noticed medium sized black spider on the door beside me.

I was driving.    

I screamed and grabbed the napkin in the cubby hole in the console and started smacking to beat the band. I had stopped the car right in the middle of the two lane road we were on... in a curve.
Hubby was shouting at me that I was going to get us killed, and I was screaming, "Where did it go?! Where did it go?!"

I didn't see it, so I knew it was still next to me in the floor somewhere.

I kept looking down and almost running off the road until we reached out destination. There I saw it in the floor. Tried to kill it again. Never saw any guts on the napkin, so I think it's STILL in there!    

Did I mention I HATE SPIDERS?

You!       Me!

That is me laughing with you. That would have so been me.