09-03-2016, 10:09 AM
There's another personality I've done, but because my better-half may be close by, I'm limited
in what I can say when I'm in full-flow. However, I still get dissaproving looks when I give the
cold-caller the 'stunted' rendition!
I pick up the ringing phone and say 'Hello?'
*Call Centre babble in the background*
Caller- "Hello... Can I speak to Meester BIAD, please?" (Indian or Pakistani accent)
BIAD- 'I am Father BIAD, may I ask who's calling on this fine day?'
Caller- "Hello Sir, how are you today?"
BIAD- 'Well my son, the Lord giveth and... well, you know?'
Caller- "Sir, I am calling from UK Lifestyle and I have a few questions for you. It will only
take two minutes of your time, Sir"
BIAD- 'Please call me Father BIAD, my son. Now what are your concerns?'
Caller- Can you please verify for me that you live at blah-blah-blah...?" (address)
BIAD- 'I live in the house of God, my son... we all do'
Caller- "Who is your broadband provider, Sir? Is it Virgin, T-Mobile, Sky...?"
BIAD- The Father is my provider, my son... he is the true light in these days of...'
(Caller attempts to take control of the conversation)
Caller- "Sir, is it one the providers I mentioned?"
(Said quickly and with a slight authoritive tone)
BIAD- 'It will be Virgin... as Mary was also untouched'
Caller- "Thank you Sir, and... (using a quickly-moving-on voice)... would you tell me how
you pay your bill, Sir? Is it direct-debit, cheque or credit card, Sir?"
BIAD- 'The church provides a small stipend for my services, but I must admit that lately,
I've been dipping into the donations tray to make ends-meet, my son'
(Slight pause)
Caller- "Do you pay your bill by one of the methods I mentioned, Sir?"
BIAD- 'I understand, my son and I think it's time we both realise that this continuous sinning
must stop'
Caller- "Sir, do you pay your bills by using direct debit, che..."
(BIAD has had enough!)
BIAD- 'Let's get on our knees and seek forgiveness for the eeevil (there it is again!) that has
tempted us from the righteous path... come on Moira, on yer' knees Boy!!'
Caller- "Sir..."
BIAD- '...Let's grovel at his feet and tell him about what you did to yourself in the bath last night...
Hit that floor Moira and give me ten Hail-Marys!!'
Cold-Caller hangs up.
(BIAD's in full-flow and ignoring his wife's waving of 'be quiet'!)
BIAD- 'We can do it Moira... we can get these demons out of us, just stick yer' fingers in yer'...'
Wife- "BIAD!! Stop that at once and get back in your shed!"
in what I can say when I'm in full-flow. However, I still get dissaproving looks when I give the
cold-caller the 'stunted' rendition!
I pick up the ringing phone and say 'Hello?'
*Call Centre babble in the background*
Caller- "Hello... Can I speak to Meester BIAD, please?" (Indian or Pakistani accent)
BIAD- 'I am Father BIAD, may I ask who's calling on this fine day?'
Caller- "Hello Sir, how are you today?"
BIAD- 'Well my son, the Lord giveth and... well, you know?'
Caller- "Sir, I am calling from UK Lifestyle and I have a few questions for you. It will only
take two minutes of your time, Sir"
BIAD- 'Please call me Father BIAD, my son. Now what are your concerns?'
Caller- Can you please verify for me that you live at blah-blah-blah...?" (address)
BIAD- 'I live in the house of God, my son... we all do'
Caller- "Who is your broadband provider, Sir? Is it Virgin, T-Mobile, Sky...?"
BIAD- The Father is my provider, my son... he is the true light in these days of...'
(Caller attempts to take control of the conversation)
Caller- "Sir, is it one the providers I mentioned?"
(Said quickly and with a slight authoritive tone)
BIAD- 'It will be Virgin... as Mary was also untouched'
Caller- "Thank you Sir, and... (using a quickly-moving-on voice)... would you tell me how
you pay your bill, Sir? Is it direct-debit, cheque or credit card, Sir?"
BIAD- 'The church provides a small stipend for my services, but I must admit that lately,
I've been dipping into the donations tray to make ends-meet, my son'
(Slight pause)
Caller- "Do you pay your bill by one of the methods I mentioned, Sir?"
BIAD- 'I understand, my son and I think it's time we both realise that this continuous sinning
must stop'
Caller- "Sir, do you pay your bills by using direct debit, che..."
(BIAD has had enough!)
BIAD- 'Let's get on our knees and seek forgiveness for the eeevil (there it is again!) that has
tempted us from the righteous path... come on Moira, on yer' knees Boy!!'
Caller- "Sir..."
BIAD- '...Let's grovel at his feet and tell him about what you did to yourself in the bath last night...
Hit that floor Moira and give me ten Hail-Marys!!'
Cold-Caller hangs up.
(BIAD's in full-flow and ignoring his wife's waving of 'be quiet'!)
BIAD- 'We can do it Moira... we can get these demons out of us, just stick yer' fingers in yer'...'
Wife- "BIAD!! Stop that at once and get back in your shed!"
Edith Head Gives Good Wardrobe.