If You Are Looking For Your Soulmate

[Finspiracy]

When Kdog and I found each other the last and furthest thing from our minds was finding our soul mates. We became great friends and helped each other through troubling times. We fell in love even though we both fought against it tooth and nail- even cutting off contact with each other for a time.

That is beautiful and very romantic   I am happy for you two. It give me a dose of faith also.

It is just... Look, when i was really young. A teenager. There was every weekend either someones parents gone, or at least a cellar we could go to drink, a bunch of us youngsters. Then one thing led to another which led to another and *whooops i have a girlfriend now*

I am 38 years old now. I have a couple of really wonderful female friends in my circles but they are spoken for. Everything is different now. I don't just run into people by coincidence and then things start automatically happening.

Yes, there have been times at adult age also, but something just was not there. Chemistry between two people? My last relationship ended in 2009. I am not even butt-ugly. Not a Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp either, but mirrors won't break down when i look into those. I have issues with low self-esteem. Women have some kind of a weird sense, they can sense low self-esteem from about 15  miles away.

But i don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. But for the time being, i will. Mental state is not at it's finest form, and i can't use a living, breathing, feeling woman as a bandage for my wounds. That would be unfair. I don't have much to give at this moment in time. I can't even walk without a walking stick for the time being. Getting on the bed to rest on my back is a task, so is getting up.

But i swear i am not a bad person. Maybe one day i could make someone happy to be near me. But i have to wait. I refuse to get desperate. That won't bear any fruits to anyone. I refuse to start being bitter towards women "They only want the muscular handsome men with sports cars" That is by the way a harsh generalization.

Maybe i will try those dating sites when the time is right but i need more courage. So there are sites where i can set some parameters? That sounded awful... like i am buying a chainsaw... but like Open minded = yes, Racist = no, Accepts occasional cannabis use = yes... and so on?

Maybe i really should step into the modern digital age.

A tiny secret here: I have never been on a date and as i stated, i have 38 years of age. Yes, i have went to have a pizza and then a movie with a woman, or something like that, multiple times, but they were already my girlfriend then. But date, as in meeting someone for the first time, doing something that both have agreed into, like a park picnic, and see if we "click" never, not a single time. I think i am a freak in that sense.