Pixie Investigation With Mr. Erwin Saunders.

[BIAD]

...When I was a teenager learning the ways of men, I only saw a police officer about twice a year, and even then they were
just passing through on their way to somewhere else...

What remains unsaid to the reader is whether this 'seeing' of a passing police officer was from a position of idly standing at one's fence
or through a Leupold and Stevens Mark 6 scope, whilst prone on the ground. I'd like to think the former, but I think it's up to that same
reader to decide.

....Old habits die hard, I reckon. I just handle life, and folks announce themselves before they come visiting, so it's all good.
Most everyone knows not to screw around my house nefariously, and we all get along pretty well for it....

I would suggest that the wary glances at the unmarked mounds around your property during a neighbourhood get-together also helps.
 

'...I've even got a sign in my yard soliciting votes for a gentleman running for the office of county sheriff...

Again, another example of what isn't also said, a comment regarding the other placard in your yard. It doesn't say 'KEEP OUT' does it?
The word 'Run' is used and something about how any personal belongings on the body will be confiscated to fund future ammunition
requirements. If memory serves, I think the local paper did a write-up about it and the Reporter still hasn't been found.

[Gnomes] ...They're every bit as ill tempered as I am. What can I say?
They learned from the Master of Ill Temper! It's likely my fault they are so grouchy and curmudgeonly. I tried to make amends by building
little stick log cabins for them and leaving them around in the woods, but they usually just burn them to the ground and whoop and holler
while dancing around the flames. I wish they'd put on clothes for that last part, but they've probably said the same about me...

That's called 'baiting' and obviously, the Gnomes got wind of your ploy. You have the beard, try Erwin's tactics.

I'm surprised that your penchant for running through the woods naked is still ongoing after what happened with the over-sixties Ramblers
Association. Maureen -the President of the group, reported on their website that the way you 'pointed' when giving directions to the local
convenience store wasn't funny... not funny at all -she typed in caps.
And the photograph she posted wasn't very flattering either.
 

'...I'll have you know it's extremely European!
We come from stout Scots-Irish and Welsh stock! I descend in a direct line from Charles Martel through Charlemagne, and another
branch runs to Alfred the Great. Yet another runs to William the Conqueror, and on back to a thoroughly irascible set of Vikings.

Another goes to Brian Boru, and still another traces to some McElwaine "Lairds of Grimmet" in Ayrshire Scotland - granted they were
lowland Scots, and not badass highlanders like Gordi, but Scots all the same... All of 'em European, and all of 'em thoroughly grouchy
when poked with a stick! 

Couldn't you have thrown a poet in there or at least an English fop who enjoyed butterfly-collecting?
 

...Where would Europe be without 44th great-grandpap Charles Martel dealing with an influx of "immigrants"?
It would be in Arabia, that's where!

I looked-up Monsieur Martel in a Wikipedia piece in hope that words like 'diplomacy' and 'consideration' would be found there.
Sadly -and without any surprise, your ancestor's article stated:
"...According to a near-contemporary source, the Liber Historiae Francorum, Charles was "a warrior who was uncommonly
...effective in battle"

Very cosmopolitan.
 

Why, I'm probably more European than those German girly-men, who, after all, got skeert enough to bus' a cap in some poor
gnome's ass (well, several caps, it seems) who was just asking for directions to the nearest convenience store!

Ignoring the street-jive I believe you obtained from the movie 'Airplane!', you have not once mentioned the weather or referred
to the poor-diet of the English. Now that is European!