Nuisance Telephone Calls.

[BIAD]

OK, I'm SORRY! I won't do it again.... today!

"Allo... Misterr  Biad?

Dis is Jonatan from the very very British Internet Providings company that you use.
Can you tells me please what troubles you have been indicating of having with your internet providings?

Ah yes.... for only forty nine dollar ninety five I can reset the friggety widger to speeds up your providings today,
all I need is your accounts number sorts code and personal usings PIN number...."




PS - I forgot to say that I USED to deal with cold callers by being OVERLY interested in what they were selling...

Putting on my best Lesley Philips "Ding Dong!!" accent....
"Ohhh yessss! Double Glazing you saaay?? Ooohhhh I do love a nice bit of UPVC in the morning,....ding dongggg!"

Getting more and MORE aroused as the conversation carries on....

Usually only lasts about 2 minutes before they give up!

G

Well, your format is slightly different to the ones we've been getting for the last four years!
But, I'm gonna give your 'Oh Ding-dong!' impression a go, though.
Cheers, Big G!!

Here's the standard one we get:

 My wife picks up the ringing phone and says 'Hello?'
*Call Centre babble in the background*
Caller- "Hello... Can I speak to Meester BIAD, please?" (Indian or Pakistani accent)
Wife- 'Who's calling?'
Caller- "Hello Madam, how are you today?"

The second question was to imply confidence and ergo, purveying to the listener that this
must be 'real' and a genuine company.
The cold-caller isn't really interested in who answers the phone, but due to cultural hard-wiring,
always asks for the man of the house. The cold-caller has now adjusted and begins to
read from his script.

Wife- 'I'm fine, thank you'
Caller- "Meesus BIAD, is your phone number blah-blah-blah?'
Wife- Yes.
(A series of other questions about your address follow to get you used to saying the word 'yes')

Caller- "Meesus BIAD... I'm from UK Lifestyle and I would like to ask y...."
Wife- 'No thank you. This is the third time you've rang today and I've already told I am not
interested in answering your questions'
Caller- "But Madam, this will only take two minutes""
Wife- 'No, I am not interested and will you please stop calling this number'

Caller- "Yes Madam, but if you answer the questions, we will stop ringing you"
Wife- 'Is that a threat?!'
Caller- "Meesus BIAD, It will only take two..."
Wife- 'No'
(She hangs up the phone)
..............................

Here is one of Boy In A Dress' responses to a cold-call and I must admit, it takes a lot of
discipline not to burst out laughing when he's doing them!!

BIAD picks up the ringing telephone and places a long-nailed finger over the tiny mouth-piece.
*Call Centre babble in the background*
Caller- "Hello...?" (Small pause and no response) "Hello?"
(BIAD waits two seconds before answering in a wary tone.)
BIAD- 'Is... is that you Moira?'

(The voice hints at a distrustful, scared person. Possibly a prime target for someone selling
a product or stealing bank account details. Also, the voice is male and it's assumed that the
man is the main household earner.)

Caller- "Hello, can I speak to Meester BIAD?"
BIAD- 'P-please... keep yer' voice down, they'll hear us' (said in a whisper)
Caller- "Hello Meester BIAD, how are you today?"
BIAD- 'I'm okay, but it's only a matter of time before they get me'

Caller- "Sir, are you Mr. Boy In A Dress of blah-blah (address)?"
BIAD- 'No, this is a derelict house I'm hiding in because I can see them better'

Caller- "Sir, I'm from UK Preference and I'd..."
BIAD- 'Is this about the television...? I don't watch it now, not after what I seen 'em do'
Caller- "Sir, I have..."

(Ignoring the cold-caller now)
BIAD- 'Oh I know you understand Moira, they were back again, last night. They're using robot
dogs too... did I tell you that?"
Caller- "The survey will only ta..."
BIAD- '...Pouring evil (pronounced eeevil!) into the wires... Oh I've seen 'em... Murdock and his
cronies... they're all in on it, Moira'
Caller- "Can I ask you a few questions, Meester BIAD?"

BIAD- 'It started when they got Kennedy, he knew... HE knew alright, just like I know what they're
up to with their radiation-stuff and their food-bugging. I've seeeen 'em, Moira, I've seen 'em'
Caller- Thank you for your time, Meester B..."

BIAD- '...AND THEY'LL GET YOU TOO MOIRA... They'll get all of yer's. They pour it into
the wires and they listen thru' the television. It's wrong...(BIAD sounds exhausted now on the
off-chance the cold-caller may sense it and take another swing at swindling him!)
...Just plain-wrong'

The telephone line is dead.