Feeling like a lone wolf

[ChiefD]

There isn’t a shoutbox, but I need to get some things off my chest. I’m really happy with my life despite my missing my hubby so much it takes my breath away at times. I did my weekly visit with him at the nursing home. His cognizance is getting a little worse over time, due to two strokes, aphasia, and tardive dyskinesia. I see this happening gradually, and it’s tearing me apart. There’s not a damn thing I can do to help him or slow down time. I tell myself every day to remember the Serenity Prayer. But it’s a struggle at times.

I’m in Green Bay, WI for my nephew’s wedding tomorrow. Originally, my youngest sister was going to room with me and split the cost, but she backed out at the last minute. My middle sister, her hubby, my three nieces and their respective hubbys all partied with me earlier in their room. It was a lot of fun. Now I’m back in my room by myself and feeling a little disconnected from everything. There’s no reason for me to be feeling melancholy, yet I miss my hubby a lot when these things go on. I miss him being with me and feel guilty having fun without him. I know it’s kind of fucked up to feel that way. 

I keep a lot of this stuff to myself. This is the only place I feel I can vent without judgement. Otherwise I feel apart from most people. I put on a brave face, smile and laugh. But I’m planning my hubby’s funeral, and feel so damn depressed. It sucks, and I feel like it’s dragging me down. But I still do my best to find joy in things I see. The little birds on my feeder who fuss and fight make me laugh and smile. There’s a really fat little bunny that likes to eat all the bird seed left over on my patio. He’s just a cutie. The squirrels chase each other and wrestle on my patio. But when I’m away from home, I start feeling lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world. 

This is temporary. By tomorrow, I will be excited about the wedding Then one more night, and I will be back home, where I will feel like myself again.

[Sol]

There isn’t a shoutbox, but I need to get some things off my chest. I’m really happy with my life despite my missing my hubby so much it takes my breath away at times. I did my weekly visit with him at the nursing home. His cognizance is getting a little worse over time, due to two strokes, aphasia, and tardive dyskinesia. I see this happening gradually, and it’s tearing me apart. There’s not a damn thing I can do to help him or slow down time. I tell myself every day to remember the Serenity Prayer. But it’s a struggle at times.

I’m in Green Bay, WI for my nephew’s wedding tomorrow. Originally, my youngest sister was going to room with me and split the cost, but she backed out at the last minute. My middle sister, her hubby, my three nieces and their respective hubbys all partied with me earlier in their room. It was a lot of fun. Now I’m back in my room by myself and feeling a little disconnected from everything. There’s no reason for me to be feeling melancholy, yet I miss my hubby a lot when these things go on. I miss him being with me and feel guilty having fun without him. I know it’s kind of fucked up to feel that way. 

I keep a lot of this stuff to myself. This is the only place I feel I can vent without judgement. Otherwise I feel apart from most people. I put on a brave face, smile and laugh. But I’m planning my hubby’s funeral, and feel so damn depressed. It sucks, and I feel like it’s dragging me down. But I still do my best to find joy in things I see. The little birds on my feeder who fuss and fight make me laugh and smile. There’s a really fat little bunny that likes to eat all the bird seed left over on my patio. He’s just a cutie. The squirrels chase each other and wrestle on my patio. But when I’m away from home, I start feeling lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world. 

This is temporary. By tomorrow, I will be excited about the wedding Then one more night, and I will be back home, where I will feel like myself again.

I think it's normal, being at home makes you feel comfortable, you are in your things. Being out, by yourself, without your husband must be tough, no doubt and no shame for feeling guilty having fun without him, it's still love. I like your attitude, mentioning that it's temporary. I don't know you very well, but just by what you've written here, it definitely shows that you are a strong woman.

Big virtual hugs!

[VioletDove]

I know it’s hard to be away from home without your hubby.I’m just glad that you know you are among friends here and are able to let some of those feelings out. Tomorrow will be a better day. Sending hugs to you my sweet friend.

[Finspiracy]

There isn’t a shoutbox, but I need to get some things off my chest. I’m really happy with my life despite my missing my hubby so much it takes my breath away at times. I did my weekly visit with him at the nursing home. His cognizance is getting a little worse over time, due to two strokes, aphasia, and tardive dyskinesia. I see this happening gradually, and it’s tearing me apart. There’s not a damn thing I can do to help him or slow down time. I tell myself every day to remember the Serenity Prayer. But it’s a struggle at times.

The idea and content of the Serenity Prayer is great and wonderful. If you find comfort from that prayer, keep it in mind in the future also. Of course it is a struggle. If you would write that even considering the circumstances, you are not one bit struggling and troubled, then i would be worried.

I’m in Green Bay, WI for my nephew’s wedding tomorrow. Originally, my youngest sister was going to room with me and split the cost, but she backed out at the last minute. My middle sister, her hubby, my three nieces and their respective hubbys all partied with me earlier in their room. It was a lot of fun. Now I’m back in my room by myself and feeling a little disconnected from everything. There’s no reason for me to be feeling melancholy, yet I miss my hubby a lot when these things go on. I miss him being with me and feel guilty having fun without him. I know it’s kind of fucked up to feel that way.

Melancholy does not ask for your permission to arrive. It does not ask if you have time in your calendar for it to arrive. When it arrives, it arrives.

You are allowed to party and have fun without feeling any guilt about it. I don't know your husband, but i am pretty sure he would want you to have a good time.

I keep a lot of this stuff to myself.

Please don't. These things are too heavy to carry alone. And yes, even if you talk and write, you still have to carry the burden. Still, writing and talking honestly about the way you feel helps. It helps.

This is the only place I feel I can vent without judgement. Otherwise I feel apart from most people.

Likewise. Rogues are the rock stars of the internet.

I put on a brave face, smile and laugh. But I’m planning my hubby’s funeral, and feel so damn depressed. It sucks, and I feel like it’s dragging me down.

Sounds like you are a human being, who has the emotions of a human being. I am sorry you have to go through this. Write here anytime, now there is this thread and you know, it is kinda your thread, you have the right to write  about anything here, or not write at all. Your call, and your call only.

But I still do my best to find joy in things I see. The little birds on my feeder who fuss and fight make me laugh and smile. There’s a really fat little bunny that likes to eat all the bird seed left over on my patio. He’s just a cutie. The squirrels chase each other and wrestle on my patio. But when I’m away from home, I start feeling lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world.

It is good that you still find joy from some things. Animals can be great. And children. Because animals and children are not programmed. Their reactions are genuine and honest without an agenda in the background.

This is temporary. By tomorrow, I will be excited about the wedding Then one more night, and I will be back home, where I will feel like myself again.

Everything is temporary.

Enjoy the wedding! I find the concept of marriage deeply romantic and beautiful, and i love it when people get married!

[NightskyeB4Dawn]

There isn’t a shoutbox, but I need to get some things off my chest. I’m really happy with my life despite my missing my hubby so much it takes my breath away at times. I did my weekly visit with him at the nursing home. His cognizance is getting a little worse over time, due to two strokes, aphasia, and tardive dyskinesia. I see this happening gradually, and it’s tearing me apart. There’s not a damn thing I can do to help him or slow down time. I tell myself every day to remember the Serenity Prayer. But it’s a struggle at times.

I’m in Green Bay, WI for my nephew’s wedding tomorrow. Originally, my youngest sister was going to room with me and split the cost, but she backed out at the last minute. My middle sister, her hubby, my three nieces and their respective hubbys all partied with me earlier in their room. It was a lot of fun. Now I’m back in my room by myself and feeling a little disconnected from everything. There’s no reason for me to be feeling melancholy, yet I miss my hubby a lot when these things go on. I miss him being with me and feel guilty having fun without him. I know it’s kind of fucked up to feel that way. 

I keep a lot of this stuff to myself. This is the only place I feel I can vent without judgement. Otherwise I feel apart from most people. I put on a brave face, smile and laugh. But I’m planning my hubby’s funeral, and feel so damn depressed. It sucks, and I feel like it’s dragging me down. But I still do my best to find joy in things I see. The little birds on my feeder who fuss and fight make me laugh and smile. There’s a really fat little bunny that likes to eat all the bird seed left over on my patio. He’s just a cutie. The squirrels chase each other and wrestle on my patio. But when I’m away from home, I start feeling lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world. 

This is temporary. By tomorrow, I will be excited about the wedding Then one more night, and I will be back home, where I will feel like myself again.

Consider yourself truly blessed to have had such a wonderful relationship with your husband to miss.

I will go to my grave never having had a relationship like yours. 

I have had really close friends, and I have people that I love dearly, but I have never had a soul mate type relationship.

Purely my fault. I never had the time or the space for it. No regrets. I have lived a very full, interesting, multifaceted life. I didn't just live a life a could write a book about, I could write a whole encyclopedia Britannica.

I have spent my entire life, starting around the age of 8, as a caregiver. I have the heart of a servant, mamma bear, the mind of  an inquisitor, and the soul of a fierce lion.

I have never met a stranger. I am a friend to everyone, until you make me your enemy, something I never want to happen, and something that is not good at all. I am the perfect yin/yang personified. Best friend/worse enemy. 

I just am not true love material. It would be an oxymoron for me to say I love someone, then expect them to have to live with me. I would not do that to my worse enemy.

[senona]

There isn’t a shoutbox, but I need to get some things off my chest. I’m really happy with my life despite my missing my hubby so much it takes my breath away at times. I did my weekly visit with him at the nursing home. His cognizance is getting a little worse over time, due to two strokes, aphasia, and tardive dyskinesia. I see this happening gradually, and it’s tearing me apart. There’s not a damn thing I can do to help him or slow down time. I tell myself every day to remember the Serenity Prayer. But it’s a struggle at times.

I’m in Green Bay, WI for my nephew’s wedding tomorrow. Originally, my youngest sister was going to room with me and split the cost, but she backed out at the last minute. My middle sister, her hubby, my three nieces and their respective hubbys all partied with me earlier in their room. It was a lot of fun. Now I’m back in my room by myself and feeling a little disconnected from everything. There’s no reason for me to be feeling melancholy, yet I miss my hubby a lot when these things go on. I miss him being with me and feel guilty having fun without him. I know it’s kind of fucked up to feel that way. 

I keep a lot of this stuff to myself. This is the only place I feel I can vent without judgement. Otherwise I feel apart from most people. I put on a brave face, smile and laugh. But I’m planning my hubby’s funeral, and feel so damn depressed. It sucks, and I feel like it’s dragging me down. But I still do my best to find joy in things I see. The little birds on my feeder who fuss and fight make me laugh and smile. There’s a really fat little bunny that likes to eat all the bird seed left over on my patio. He’s just a cutie. The squirrels chase each other and wrestle on my patio. But when I’m away from home, I start feeling lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world. 

This is temporary. By tomorrow, I will be excited about the wedding Then one more night, and I will be back home, where I will feel like myself again.

I know EXACTLY what you are feeling and what you are going through.
And for that, I am so sorry and send positive vibes your way.

It is tough seeing your loved one going downhill like that and not being able to help them.
And yes, you feel guilty when you might just have a bit of fun. I know that feeling as well.


All you can do is always be there for him --- talk to him, hold his hand, read to him --- even if he can no longer respond
He hears you, I truly believe that.

My Jim had ways of letting me know that he knew I was there, despite not being able to speak towards the end



Stay strong, you've got this!!
Enjoy the wedding


Know that we are here for you, so vent away my friend

[ChiefD]

Thanks for all the sweet heartfelt replies! I really am fortunate, to have all of you as my friends and to have my wonderful hubby. He’s already called me a couple of times today. He’s very excited for me. He does want me to have fun and not worry. I’m getting gussied up for the wedding. I have a nice dress that I will be wearing a sweater and heavy jacket with, as the ceremony is outside. It’s 41F and if we’re lucky, it will get to 47F by the time the wedding happens. That’s without the wind chill. Right now, the wind chill is 34F.

The ceremony should last about half an hour, then we will be indoors for the reception and dinner. I am taking an Uber there and back so I can imbibe. I’m always so happy when I get to see my three nieces and nephew. About the only time we’re all together is for weddings. Now all four of my middle sister’s kids will be married. She sure raised some good ones. Love them to pieces. 

I can’t recall if I mentioned it earlier, but my hubby’s oldest granddaughter is pregnant with her first baby, a girl. The baby is due right around Christmas, so my hubby will be a first time great grandfather. Not bad for someone who just turned 70! Both of us are so excited for her and for my hubby’s daughter, who I’m good friends with. She just seems too young to be a grandmother, but she will make a great one! She’s in her late 40’s and has five kids, so I’m sure there will be more little ones along the way. 

My life is really good and happy. I have bouts of depression that come and go. Having all you Rogues to turn to always lifts my spirits. I’m grateful and thankful for everything I have.

[Snarl]

I’m grateful and thankful for everything I have.

Then you are indeed a lucky person, Chief. 

I hope the wedding goes perfectly!!

[Finspiracy]

Thanks for all the sweet heartfelt replies! I really am fortunate, to have all of you as my friends and to have my wonderful hubby. He’s already called me a couple of times today. He’s very excited for me. He does want me to have fun and not worry. I’m getting gussied up for the wedding. I have a nice dress that I will be wearing a sweater and heavy jacket with, as the ceremony is outside. It’s 41F and if we’re lucky, it will get to 47F by the time the wedding happens. That’s without the wind chill. Right now, the wind chill is 34F.

The ceremony should last about half an hour, then we will be indoors for the reception and dinner. I am taking an Uber there and back so I can imbibe. I’m always so happy when I get to see my three nieces and nephew. About the only time we’re all together is for weddings. Now all four of my middle sister’s kids will be married. She sure raised some good ones. Love them to pieces. 

I can’t recall if I mentioned it earlier, but my hubby’s oldest granddaughter is pregnant with her first baby, a girl. The baby is due right around Christmas, so my hubby will be a first time great grandfather. Not bad for someone who just turned 70! Both of us are so excited for her and for my hubby’s daughter, who I’m good friends with. She just seems too young to be a grandmother, but she will make a great one! She’s in her late 40’s and has five kids, so I’m sure there will be more little ones along the way. 

My life is really good and happy. I have bouts of depression that come and go. Having all you Rogues to turn to always lifts my spirits. I’m grateful and thankful for everything I have.

What an awesome post! Made me feel good. Thanks!