That Feeling...That Moment

[FlyingClayDisk]

Did you ever get that feeling, in your mind's eye, amid all the chaos of the moment...where you were right where you wanted to be...right in that moment? 

You were with who you wanted to be with...right in that moment.  Rockin' to the rhythm of Life.

It was just a a fleeting moment, but you knew, just knew, that was the moment.  That was it.  The moment.

And you said to yourself..."If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist...I've done everything I ever wanted to do; I've lived my whole life to get to this one moment...it would all be okay.  To be in this one moment...forever.  It would all be worth it."  (?)  You felt like you wished you could freeze that moment in time, so it would never change...but you didn't.  You didn't freeze the moment because you thought a better one might come.

And then...life happened.

Then, years later, you see or hear something, something which reminds you of that one moment so long ago in a way you can never forget, something completely unrelated, but in a way you just can't shake.  And you wish you could somehow get back to that moment, that one perfect moment so long ago, but you know you likely never will again.  That one perfect moment.

And, you knew, even in that moment, that it may not have turned out to be anything more than just a fleeting glance, but it was perfect...and nothing can ever change it.  That vision is cast like crystal in your mind...forever.

That feeling...that one perfect moment.

I had this happen to me last night. (the reminder...not the moment itself, that was years and years ago).

[NightskyeB4Dawn]

Did you ever get that feeling, in your mind's eye, amid all the chaos of the moment...where you were right where you wanted to be...right in that moment? 

You were with who you wanted to be with...right in that moment.  Rockin' to the rhythm of Life.

It was just a a fleeting moment, but you knew, just knew, that was the moment.  That was it.  The moment.

And you said to yourself..."If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist...I've done everything I ever wanted to do; I've lived my whole life to get to this one moment...it would all be okay.  To be in this one moment...forever.  It would all be worth it."  (?)  You felt like you wished you could freeze that moment in time, so it would never change...but you didn't.  You didn't freeze the moment because you thought a better one might come.

And then...life happened.

Then, years later, you see or hear something, something which reminds you of that one moment so long ago in a way you can never forget, something completely unrelated, but in a way you just can't shake.  And you wish you could somehow get back to that moment, that one perfect moment so long ago, but you know you likely never will again.  That one perfect moment.

And, you knew, even in that moment, that it may not have turned out to be anything more than just a fleeting glance, but it was perfect...and nothing can ever change it.  That vision is cast like crystal in your mind...forever.

That feeling...that one perfect moment.

I had this happen to me last night.  (the reminder...not the moment itself, that was years and years ago).

You are a very lucky man.

I have never had that moment. I don't even know what that moment would feel like.

[FlyingClayDisk]

There were actually a couple moments like that in my life (hopefully more in the future, but none as poignant as that one so far)

This was one of them...

I woke up one morning thinking it was Sunday when it was really Monday.  I was hungover BADLY, the night before had been a major party at one of our favorite bars.  My girlfriend had won a wet T-shirt contest and the band was awesome.  Many beers and shots of tequila later we'd gone home.  The reality that it was Monday morning, and not Sunday morning, hit me in the face like a baseball bat!  SHIT!! 

I had class that day, and important class...I had a freaking TEST that day even!  SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!!!  My girlfriend also had a class, an orchestra practice (she was 1st chair flute at the university), and had to go to work too.  All that was bad, BUT...it was going to get WAY worse before it got better!!!

I'd come back home (I should say "we" had come back home) to pick up my motorcycle and take it back to Utah where we were both in college.  I was 185 miles from where we needed to be!

I don't even remember where we slept that night.  I just remember waking up and getting the "Brick of Reality" to the face.  I walked outside and it was overcast (it was never overcast in Wyoming).  We still had several hours to get where we needed to get to, but we had to get going.  I packed up my bike (a Honda Goldwing Aspencade) and off we went.  We got about 30 miles into the trip when it started to rain (it never rains in Wyoming!).  And it rained!  And rained, and rained and rained.  Then it started "raining"!  All the other 'smart' bikers had long since pulled up under what few bridges there are in Wyoming, but we couldn't stop.  Then the sleet started.

My GF didn't even have a decent jacket, and she was now soaked and freezing to death (literally) on the back.  I gave her my jacket just so she wouldn't pass out.  I'm riding down I-80, in the sleet, on my bike, fighting slush in the ruts, in a T-shirt and in the pouring rain/sleet.  (Thank GAWD for a fairing and windshield!!).  We had to make it to SLC that day before 4pm.  We were coming up on Evanston, Wyoming across the "Three Sisters" (some very steep mountain terrain) (one of the longest, steepest, straight stretches of highway in the country).

I thought we could make it, I really did.  I'm pretty sure I could have toughed it out a while longer, but it was cold, and we were both soaked.  By the time I got to the Park City, Utah exit my GF was shaking so badly I thought she was going to fall off, and I'd given her all the warm waterproof gear I had.  I remember the thoughts going through my mind as I resigned myself to take the Park City exit off the highway.  I didn't know where we were going to go, but it was someplace warm...else I was going to be single again.

As I got to the bottom of the exit ramp there were these temporary signs saying things like "Event Parking" (with an arrow), so I followed them.  I knew not where we were going, but it was somewhere indeed...

I'd spent every last dollar I had on that bike.  It was one of those being in the 'right place at the right time' deals I just couldn't pass up.  (Inexperienced Seller bought way more bike than he could handle, had almost crashed on it in traffic, got scared and wanted rid of it.)  I'd sold about everything of value I'd owned (i.e. my truck, my car...everything) to buy it.  I was willing to take risks, but I'd risked it all that day...more than once...and it was time to stop.

As I rolled to a stop at the bottom of the exit ramp, I figured I'd follow the signs to whatever "Event" this was.  Turned out, the 'event' was a big music festival at Park City, Utah.  It was a big deal, with a lot of really big names (The Clash, Eurythmics, Thomas Dolby, etc). 

Because of the rain, there was hardly anyone there.  As soon as I hit the park entrance, the sun came out (finally) and we were in the front of the line of an endless sea of vehicles.  They just waved us through.

All the shows had been rain delayed.  I'm standing there stripping down my soaked leathers and trying to warm up my GF, and these guys come over...asked us if we wanted some food and a place to warm up.  They were roadies for some group, I didn't even know who...or care. 

Warmed up, and coming back to reality...I looked down at my wrist and both my GF and I had wrist bands on for the front row VIP section.  We were down in front...center stage...right there.  No one could have ever planned that!  Hell, to this day, not even I know how we pulled that off!

All the tests, all the school, all the jobs and responsibilities...all the rain...all that could wait... all that would wait.  This was an important moment.  A moment I would never forget.

There must have been 150,000 people at the show that day, and there me and my GF were, front-row, center-stage.

I'll never forget...the sun had set behind the mountains, and the lights on the sets were starting to show their dramatic effect in the sunset.  I'll never forget...I caught this glimpse, out of the corner of my eye...my GF, hands above her head, swaying back and forth, smiling ear to ear, rockin' to the music and singing.  It was perfect.  She was perfect.  The World was perfect.

I'll never forget...the whole world could (and almost did) collapse, but in that one moment, that one fleeting moment...there was nowhere else on planet Earth I wanted to be, and no one else I wanted to be with...and if the world had ended in that moment...I would have been content.

.....

Last night, I stumbled across a song by Lenny Kravitz I wasn't really familiar with.  And, all of a sudden, that moment from so long ago came flooding back like a tidal wave.

[FlyingClayDisk]

It's like that one moment when the whole world is beating in synchronicity with your world.  Where the entire world is just inside that one moment, right there with you.  

And...here's something even more...

It's not just the song which reminded me of that moment.  Only hearing the song wouldn't have done it alone.  And, it wasn't even the whole song.  Nope!  It was just a split :02 second segment of the video!

Seriously...just 2 seconds of the video...took me right back to that place, that one person, that one moment.  Not any :02 seconds, but a specific :02 seconds.

[FlyingClayDisk]

For those wondering which :02 seconds of the video it was...

It's the timestamp from 1:58 to 2:00...just two short seconds of video which says it all.

BTW...If Gail Ann Dorsey isn't one of the most awesome Bass players, I don't know who is!  Her musical precision is like a laser beam (and you can see/hear it in the posted video too).  She's just fantastic!  Longtime lead Bass for David Bowie and many other greats.  Very talented woman right there!  Plays the clarinet and does vocals too, though not with Lenny Kravitz.

And Cindy Blackman can pound those Drums standing toe to toe with Phil Collins any day (if you've ever seen her...WOW!!)

[ChiefD]

This whole thread gives me goosebumps, in a good way. I read through it, and needed to take some time, as I got a case of the feels. I had to go have a good cry, as I thought of a feeling, a moment, that I hopefully will remember until the day I die. I wished this moment could last forever. 

The best day of my life was the day I married my husband. Nothing even comes close. I vividly remember how everything looked, smelled, sounded like, felt, and tasted. It was like the whole world was on pause for one sweet moment in time. I remember how we looked at each other, how warm his hand was when he held my hand, my trying to hold back tears, because I didn’t want to smear my makeup. I was so happy at the thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life on earth with this man, and hopefully beyond that. 

Our wedding was not romantic. We were young and broke, so we decided to just do it at the county courthouse, with my parents as witnesses. Ironically, I would go on later to work for that county for 22 years. Anyway, it was nice and casual. It was just the cost of a marriage license, as we had already been living together. I didn’t have a wedding shower, and he didn’t have a bachelor party. We just did the ceremony in the morning, and then drove to my parents house out in the country for a reception with some relatives. 

It was a lovely warm day, and my parents had erected a tent for the reception. We sat in the tent, ate, drank, and toasted to our new marriage. That was wonderful too, but the real moment when the county judge said “I now pronounce you man and wife”, well the tears came hard and fast. I no longer cared about my makeup. My parents took our picture outside the courthouse, and we were both beaming. God willing, I will always remember that moment. That was almost 30 years ago. Our 30 year anniversary is 7/2/22.

Many things have changed, the biggest one that my husband permanently resides in a nursing home. After two strokes, his body can no longer do much for itself, but his mind is still pretty sharp. He calls me 3-4 times a day, so I get to hear his voice every day. But him not being with me is very hard. I miss his prescence so much sometimes. I miss us and the things we used to do. But I’m so glad I had 27 1/2 years with him.

And I wish I could have frozen that wonderful moment in time on 7/2/1992. It was and always will be the happiest day of my life.

[Michigan Swamp Buck]

I was just recalling the day I could see the world as the ancient pagans viewed it. It was a windy, sunny fall day many years ago when I saw the battle of the north winds against the south. The trees were swaying to block the forces of the zephers, Notus and Boreas, as they battled over the territory below them. Large cumulus clouds across a clear deep blue sky were like legions of chariots engaging in the battle. Everything was alive all around me and made brilliant under a dazzling autumn sun that was watching over all things. I retained this state of mind for perhaps ten minutes before I came out of it.

I've augmented this state of mind by engaging in the conversations that the landscape is having. I don't hear any voices, it's something you see, more like a body language. The river talks to the land and they talk to the roads and other things we build. It's talking to you too when you are traveling through the landscape. The land has a memory and the stories it tells are very old.

[FlyingClayDisk]

This whole thread gives me goosebumps, in a good way. I read through it, and needed to take some time, as I got a case of the feels. I had to go have a good cry, as I thought of a feeling, a moment, that I hopefully will remember until the day I die. I wished this moment could last forever. 

The best day of my life was the day I married my husband. Nothing even comes close. I vividly remember how everything looked, smelled, sounded like, felt, and tasted. It was like the whole world was on pause for one sweet moment in time. I remember how we looked at each other, how warm his hand was when he held my hand, my trying to hold back tears, because I didn’t want to smear my makeup. I was so happy at the thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life on earth with this man, and hopefully beyond that. 

Our wedding was not romantic. We were young and broke, so we decided to just do it at the county courthouse, with my parents as witnesses. Ironically, I would go on later to work for that county for 22 years. Anyway, it was nice and casual. It was just the cost of a marriage license, as we had already been living together. I didn’t have a wedding shower, and he didn’t have a bachelor party. We just did the ceremony in the morning, and then drove to my parents house out in the country for a reception with some relatives. 

It was a lovely warm day, and my parents had erected a tent for the reception. We sat in the tent, ate, drank, and toasted to our new marriage. That was wonderful too, but the real moment when the county judge said “I now pronounce you man and wife”, well the tears came hard and fast. I no longer cared about my makeup. My parents took our picture outside the courthouse, and we were both beaming. God willing, I will always remember that moment. That was almost 30 years ago. Our 30 year anniversary is 7/2/22.

Many things have changed, the biggest one that my husband permanently resides in a nursing home. After two strokes, his body can no longer do much for itself, but his mind is still pretty sharp. He calls me 3-4 times a day, so I get to hear his voice every day. But him not being with me is very hard. I miss his prescence so much sometimes. I miss us and the things we used to do. But I’m so glad I had 27 1/2 years with him.

And I wish I could have frozen that wonderful moment in time on 7/2/1992. It was and always will be the happiest day of my life.

Such an awesome post...capturing the moment like that!  What a wonderful and heartfelt story.

Indeed, you know the feeling I spoke of.  Just that rare moment you never forget.  Never.  It lives in your mind's-eye forever...and every now and then something, some little queue will bring it back, if only for a moment. 

And, while we may never go back in time to capture those moments again, they live on forever in our memories.  It is vitally important to us all, as the human race, to never let those moments die.  They define us.  Hence my post here.

If we're lucky we get one in our lives. 

I've made it a personal goal to have more than one.  So far, I've been blessed to have had a couple.  And, through introspection, I believe moments like those are a state of mind...one which I will live out my days in pursuit of.

[FlyingClayDisk]

I was just recalling the day I could see the world as the ancient pagans viewed it. It was a windy, sunny fall day many years ago when I saw the battle of the north winds against the south. The trees were swaying to block the forces of the zephers, Notus and Boreas, as they battled over the territory below them. Large cumulus clouds across a clear deep blue sky were like legions of chariots engaging in the battle. Everything was alive all around me and made brilliant under a dazzling autumn sun that was watching over all things. I retained this state of mind for perhaps ten minutes before I came out of it.

I've augmented this state of mind by engaging in the conversations that the landscape is having. I don't hear any voices, it's something you see, more like a body language. The river talks to the land and they talk to the roads and other things we build. It's talking to you too when you are traveling through the landscape.

WOW!!

That's pretty powerful!

[OmegaLogos]

Did you ever get that feeling, in your mind's eye, amid all the chaos of the moment...where you were right where you wanted to be...right in that moment? 

You were with who you wanted to be with...right in that moment.  Rockin' to the rhythm of Life.

It was just a a fleeting moment, but you knew, just knew, that was the moment.  That was it.  The moment.

And you said to yourself..."If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist...I've done everything I ever wanted to do; I've lived my whole life to get to this one moment...it would all be okay.  To be in this one moment...forever.  It would all be worth it."  (?)  You felt like you wished you could freeze that moment in time, so it would never change...but you didn't.  You didn't freeze the moment because you thought a better one might come.

And then...life happened.

Explanation: @"FlyingClayDisk"

Yes! Its the recollection of my 1st memory ever and I was with my mother whilst in her womb!

So I was unconscious until then ... but then I suddenly became aware of her heartbeat and I was like ... that is the greatest sound ever!

And I was deeply contented and "If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist...I've done everything I ever wanted to do; I've lived my whole life to get to this one moment...it would all be okay.  To be in this one moment...forever.  It would all be worth it."


And I felt like I wished I could freeze that moment in time, so it would never change...but I didn't.  I didn't freeze the moment because I thought a better one might come.

And then...life happened.

Then, years later, you see or hear something, something which reminds you of that one moment so long ago in a way you can never forget, something completely unrelated, but in a way you just can't shake.  And you wish you could somehow get back to that moment, that one perfect moment so long ago, but you know you likely never will again.  That one perfect moment.

And, you knew, even in that moment, that it may not have turned out to be anything more than just a fleeting glance, but it was perfect...and nothing can ever change it.  That vision is cast like crystal in your mind...forever.

That feeling...that one perfect moment.

Personal Disclosure: Yes!

Many things bring it back ... that damned memory haunts me ok.

But thats ok ... I'd be lost without it!

[FlyingClayDisk]

I've never been precisely certain if that "moment" is one that you experience alone, or if it's the somehow impossible knowledge that someone else is in that moment with you...like someone else "gets it" in the same way you did.  Or maybe all the synchronicity of the world just strikes the same chord in that same moment somehow, in some ethereal, cosmic, sounding of a shot across all existence, a lightning bolt from the past out into the future for all eternity.

I know one thing...it's powerful; probably one of the most powerful things I've ever known, energy beyond all comprehension.  It transects consciousness and reality...all in that moment.  It's unmistakable. 

I tried to explain this concept to my wife.  Fortunately (for my well being), the 2nd such moment involved her, so I could put my description into a context she could identify with (without causing bodily injury).

What's strange is the reason I felt the need to explain a moment like that at all.  And, I've done a great deal of thinking about this reason, why.

I can only put it into the context of the lyrics of a song from long ago by Van Halen.  The tune was "Ain't Talkin' about Love"...and those words were...
 
"I've been to the edge; an' there I stood and looked down.  You know, I lost a lot of friends there, Baby; I've got no time to fuck around."

You see, I have indeed been to the "edge" in my life (more than once), and I have stood there and looked down.  I really did lose a lot of friends there; far too many.  And ever since I heard those words so long ago I've felt I had an obligation, some sense of duty, to preserve those precious moments, if only in the eye of the mind, forever.  And, that it was my duty to tell others this story, so they too would realize them...so they too would realize they exist...and never let them die...for everyone.

And you may wonder why I picked the song I did from Lenny Kravitz to tell this story.  Well, the answer is two-fold, one obvious and one not so much.  The first reason is easy...because for some reason this was the tune which launched the "moment" back into my mind.  The 2nd reason is harder to describe, more philosophical.  You see, we all wish we could live in that fleeting moment forever, but even in the moment we know we cannot.  And, like love, that moment is taken from us, and we are given another moment in return.  It is the future; it is life.  And, when we look back on that past, it is the 'heart of glass' which is shot from the loaded chamber of our memories.  We poured every ounce of our consciousness out into that moment, and when we try to get it back we are rebuffed by reality and time marching ever onward.  The emotion and the memories can never be taken away, and they live on.  

Breaking the chorus down in this context:

I gave you all the love I had - The moment itself
And I...almost gave you one more chance - Realized that moment would live forever
And you put one in the chamber - The choice to remain in that moment, or carry on
and shot my heat of glass - Time marching on
This time will be the last. - I won't be able to come back to this place...but I will never forget the "moment"; it will live on forever.

If I could only go back in time, but alas, I cannot, nor am I sure I would want to...for fear I might read something, some contaminant, into that ever so special moment and somehow spoil or change it.  A worse travesty I cannot imagine.

Time marches on, and our defense...to remember every moment, every single one.  To sort through those moments, and capture those which made an impact on our lives forever more.

In reality, the next moment for all of us may be that moment; the next moment IS that moment...ours to capture or lose forever.

After all, the sun rising tomorrow on our life...is that best moment, in some special way...and the next may be frozen forever, never to change.

And, in that final moment, there is no successive moment...only silence.

[Michigan Swamp Buck]

I was just recalling the day I could see the world as the ancient pagans viewed it. It was a windy, sunny fall day many years ago when I saw the battle of the north winds against the south. The trees were swaying to block the forces of the zephers, Notus and Boreas, as they battled over the territory below them. Large cumulus clouds across a clear deep blue sky were like legions of chariots engaging in the battle. Everything was alive all around me and made brilliant under a dazzling autumn sun that was watching over all things. I retained this state of mind for perhaps ten minutes before I came out of it.

I've augmented this state of mind by engaging in the conversations that the landscape is having. I don't hear any voices, it's something you see, more like a body language. The river talks to the land and they talk to the roads and other things we build. It's talking to you too when you are traveling through the landscape.

WOW!!

That's pretty powerful!

Yours was the inspiration to share that all too brief experience.

There is a similar mystical feeling or moment that I've had.  I've heard it referred to as "allness" or "oneness" and that was larger, far more immense I guess you could say. A moment where you become intensely aware of the vastness of the universe and that you are part of it all. That feels really good, very joyful. Then there is the "disturbance in the force" feeling that is similar to allness, I've had that one too, about five years ago. That one came with the still small voice and made it very clear what it was.

[FlyingClayDisk]

Sometimes, legends are born.
Mostly, legends exist inside all of us
We are the ones who decide
We choose to let others see
These moments, if we are given the gift
The gift to see and realize them
They are life
And they define us.

[FlyingClayDisk]

Yours was the inspiration to share that all too brief experience.

There is a similar mystical feeling or moment that I've had.  I've heard it referred to as "allness" or "oneness" and   that was larger, far more immense I guess you could say. A moment where you become intensely aware of the vastness of the universe and that you are part of it all. That feels really good, very joyful. Then there is the "disturbance in the force" feeling that is similar to allness, I've had that one too, about five years ago. That one came with the still small voice and made it very clear what it was.

I felt compelled to write this thread precisely because of your and @ChiefD 's response(s), among others. 

If you only remembered that moment in your mind, but weren't able to focus it into a succinct thought, where it was able to stand on its own, then it would drift around getting mixed with other thoughts.  In so doing, the importance of that single moment would be diluted, somehow minimized.  And now that you can capture it, you can analyze what it was about that moment which made it as special as it was.  You can break down the elements of the moment into the things you had control over and the things you did not.  Most surprisingly, and despite what it may seem, we all have/had far more control over those moments than our minds sometimes let us believe.  As a result, many people just archive things like this away in their 'long-term storage' like some once and happenstance moment, never to be brought back to the light.  Though, if we think about the elements we have/had control over, we still have control over these things.  And, while we would/should never want to try to re-create that exact same moment (an impossible task, not to mention an undesirable one), we do have the tools to set as many of the factors we do control in place, in the future, to better increase our odds of having similar moments again.

In my story, I couldn't control the rain, or the day, but I did have control over the decisions I made, and the timing, the spontaneity, and maybe the sense of adventure / curiosity despite it all.  Each day we all face similar decisions, some more or less extreme, but the one thing we never know, the one thing we can never know, is what the next moment will hold.  It is in this next moment, ever changing where these treasures lie...much the way I thought it would be a boring two hour and twenty eight-ish minute ride (yes, I'd driven it so many times I had it down to almost the minute).  And, when I turned the key that morning, and my bike came to life, I had no idea things would change forever...or that I'd be writing all this today, this story to all of you, all these years later.  And candidly, even the telling of the story, and the responses here, is somehow oddly connected as almost another chapter in that same wonderful moment.

[FlyingClayDisk]

Did you ever get that feeling, in your mind's eye, amid all the chaos of the moment...where you were right where you wanted to be...right in that moment? 

You were with who you wanted to be with...right in that moment.  Rockin' to the rhythm of Life.

It was just a a fleeting moment, but you knew, just knew, that was the moment.  That was it.  The moment.

And you said to yourself..."If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist...I've done everything I ever wanted to do; I've lived my whole life to get to this one moment...it would all be okay.  To be in this one moment...forever.  It would all be worth it."  (?)  You felt like you wished you could freeze that moment in time, so it would never change...but you didn't.  You didn't freeze the moment because you thought a better one might come.

And then...life happened.

Explanation: @"FlyingClayDisk"

Yes! Its the recollection of my 1st memory ever and I was with my mother whilst in her womb!

So I was unconscious until then ... but then I suddenly became aware of her heartbeat and I was like ... that is the greatest sound ever!

And I was deeply contented and "If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist...I've done everything I ever wanted to do; I've lived my whole life to get to this one moment...it would all be okay.  To be in this one moment...forever.  It would all be worth it."


And I felt like I wished I could freeze that moment in time, so it would never change...but I didn't.  I didn't freeze the moment because I thought a better one might come.

And then...life happened.

Then, years later, you see or hear something, something which reminds you of that one moment so long ago in a way you can never forget, something completely unrelated, but in a way you just can't shake.  And you wish you could somehow get back to that moment, that one perfect moment so long ago, but you know you likely never will again.  That one perfect moment.

And, you knew, even in that moment, that it may not have turned out to be anything more than just a fleeting glance, but it was perfect...and nothing can ever change it.  That vision is cast like crystal in your mind...forever.

That feeling...that one perfect moment.

Personal Disclosure: Yes!

Many things bring it back ... that damned memory haunts me ok.

But thats ok ... I'd be lost without it!

I saved this response for last because it is the most interesting from a comparative perspective.  You've illuminated a similar type of memory, but one altogether different, all in the same ways.  It's like an electronic sine wave in a 'cycle' of life.  The irony being contained in they are the beat of the same heart, the cycle of the same circuit or frequency.  Life.

At least, that's how I have them 'classified' in my mind.

One is fear, or contemplation of life itself, and the other exists in the mind's eye of some utopian joy.  And, perhaps they are the same memory, but having experienced both, equally vivid, my feeble mind puts them in different boxes.  I think this is the reason why...

One is at the edge of life looking in, and the other is at the center of life looking out.  One is the contemplation of value, perhaps worthiness or contribution to good.  The other is one of comparative evaluation to some imaginary baseline of normalcy.  In this regard they are different.  However, not so different as they may initially appear, because they both lead to the same...place.

I've long said, 'the only truly "dumb" question is the one which is never asked'.  But surely this couldn't be relevant could it, and if so, how ever could it be?  I've only had one person in life ever ask me a truly "dumb" question..."dumb" beyond all comprehension.

I was inverted at the time (literally), fuel was mixing curiously with the blood leaking from my skull, trapped inside of a vehicle crumpled like a cheap beer can in the ditch on the side of a highway, (curiously enough, also in the rain) one night.  And the "dumb" question??  I remember it vividly, like it happened 4 minutes ago,..."Are you okay?  Would you like me to call 9-1-1?"  And despite 13 broken ribs, a fractured skull, separated shoulder, two broken legs, dislocated knee, hyper-exteded elbow, punctured lung, completely smashed left hand, contused heart, ruptured spleen, internal bleeding and having lost about 40% of my blood supply...I managed a simple..."Yes, please!".

And yeah, I remember them talking about me, as they cut the vehicle apart, as I got loaded into the medivac...in the lights of the OR. The discussions like I wasn't even there, some inanimate object.  I even had the presence of mind to see the flagging tape on my toe.  I remember seeing the red and knowing I needed to look in the medic's hand hoping to see a roll of yellow, but it wasn't there.  "God's Speed, man.  You guys are clear to the west."...he said, not to me, but to the life-flight medic who he handed the black roll of tape to (the roll I was hoping I wouldn't see!). And the latch buckling shut on the door.  I remember my Dad telling my wife she shouldn't go look (at me), and the lights in the OR, the sound of the gases.

And then there's that strange silence when you wake up...and there's no one there (at first).  You don't move, your eyes just sort of pop open, and there's all that goop they put on your eyes so you can't really see anything.  Am I alive?  Or, is this what it's like to be....

Now, in that "moment" you have this weird time span to think, where thoughts shoot through your brain at the speed of light. 

That memory 'box' is a little different, because in that box there are no finite thoughts, only open-ended questions...questions without answers.  "Did I live a good life?  Was I good to other people?  Did I leave a positive mark on this world?...please someone tell me I did!  Did I say all the right things today?  Tell all the right people I loved them?  Am I good with this place, and this time?"  And the 2nd nano-second after that the promises start rolling in..."If I'm actually alive, or if I somehow miraculously pull through this, I promise I will never <insert every imaginable wrong thing you've ever done or thought>".

Yet the irony isn't contained in the differences of that moment, but rather the similarities.  Scrolling all the way back to the top of this OP..."If I died right now, right here in this moment, if I ceased to exist..."  is really the same end-game, is it not?  Almost the same exact question in the sublime memory example.  There is not pain, only some strange, yet eerily similar, euphoric moment...before you drift off into the aether once again for a while.

Yeah, I remember that moment too, but in the interest of my own personal sanity I try to keep those moments in a separate, well, storage box.

[Brotherman]

Funny cause lately I wake up every day and I have that feeling/ moment completely opposite of yours every waking second. It's actually quite painful and depressing and it don't go away.

[FlyingClayDisk]

Funny cause lately I wake up every day and I have that feeling/ moment completely opposite of yours every waking second. It's actually quite painful and depressing and it don't go away.

As did I.  Not so long ago either.  Not so very long ago at all.  In fact, I just commented to the wife today about what a truly dark place I've come from over the past two years.  And, you know, it's not like some religious rebirth or anything like that, some sudden revelation of "Positive Mental Attitude" will fix everything.  Neither is the case.

The facts are, there's a lot of really bad stuff going down right now.  Some of it might not all work out okay in the end.  Not "okay" at all.

In fact, it is your reply here specifically which is the very inspiration for what I put in the OP.  I didn't know what would happen in the next moment, but I knew what was happening in that moment...and it was good.  No matter what happened after that, if I captured that memory forever it would always be a mental keepsake of something good that happened in life.

Contrast this with casting a dark cloud over every present second worrying about what the next might bring.

Hey, I know pain (boy do I), both physical and mental anquish...and man, I've been through it over the past couple years.  Many of us all have been through the mental part of it, but when you add in the physical elements, it can get pretty depressing and overwhelming.

At one point I even discussed with my wife the idea of possibly going to see someone about some of my concerns.  Knowing 2-3 psychologists and therapists who are spouses of some of my employees and colleagues, and kind of knowing how that whole experience "rolls"...there was one question I couldn't answer.  It would be the first question anyone would ask too..."Why are you here?". 

At face value, such a question seems so innocuous, so innocent and simple, but in reality it is a very deep question.  And, when I started to think about the answer I might give, I realized that the help I thought I was looking for was really contained in that very answer...if I only dug deep enough, and was honest and realistic enough, with myself in answering it.

I would have been there because I'd forgotten how to, well, enjoy the moment for what it was.  And, I was allowing my negative attitude to cloud, even diminish, my own future.  Analysis never gives you the answer, they always make you find the answer yourself.  Why? Because they can't give you an answer they don't have.  Only a mind reader could.  So, what they do is help to give you the tools to find the answers.  Now, if those answers are both real, and overwhelmingly negative, then there is a different area of analysis which is required and that is a far different world where what people think is manipulated in some cases with chemicals and the like to achieve a more acceptable behavior (regardless if it truly 'changes' the underlying thought). 

I think all of the items noted above are reasons why people get into trouble with drugs (illegal and prescription)  (which is another post altogether).

[Brotherman]

Funny cause lately I wake up every day and I have that feeling/ moment completely opposite of yours every waking second. It's actually quite painful and depressing and it don't go away.

As did I.  Not so long ago either.  Not so very long ago at all.  In fact, I just commented to the wife today about what a truly dark place I've come from over the past two years.  And, you know, it's not like some religious rebirth or anything like that, some sudden revelation of "Positive Mental Attitude" will fix everything.  Neither is the case.

The facts are, there's a lot of really bad stuff going down right now.  Some of it might not all work out okay in the end.  Not "okay" at all.

In fact, it is your reply here specifically which is the very inspiration for what I put in the OP.  I didn't know what would happen in the next moment, but I knew what was happening in that moment...and it was good.  No matter what happened after that, if I captured that memory forever it would always be a mental keepsake of something good that happened in life.

Contrast this with casting a dark cloud over every present second worrying about what the next might bring.

Hey, I know pain (boy do I), both physical and mental anquish...and man, I've been through it over the past couple years.  Many of us all have been through the mental part of it, but when you add in the physical elements, it can get pretty depressing and overwhelming.

At one point I even discussed with my wife the idea of possibly going to see someone about some of my concerns.  Knowing 2-3 psychologists and therapists who are spouses of some of my employees and colleagues, and kind of knowing how that whole experience "rolls"...there was one question I couldn't answer.  It would be the first question anyone would ask too..."Why are you here?". 

At face value, such a question seems so innocuous, so innocent and simple, but in reality it is a very deep question.  And, when I started to think about the answer I might give, I realized that the help I thought I was looking for was really contained in that very answer...if I only dug deep enough, and was honest and realistic enough, with myself in answering it.

I would have been there because I'd forgotten how to, well, enjoy the moment for what it was.  And, I was allowing my negative attitude to cloud, even diminish, my own future.  Analysis never gives you the answer, they always make you find the answer yourself.  Why? Because they can't give you an answer they don't have.  Only a mind reader could.  So, what they do is help to give you the tools to find the answers.  Now, if those answers are both real, and overwhelmingly negative, then there is a different area of analysis which is required and that is a far different world where what people think is manipulated in some cases with chemicals and the like to achieve a more acceptable behavior (regardless if it truly 'changes' the underlying thought). 

I think all of the items noted above are reasons why people get into trouble with drugs (illegal and prescription)  (which is another post altogether).

I suppose everyone's situation is different. Right now my situation is truly all together just fucked up and not really salvage worthy. I am not seeking drugs or alcohol, I can't afford that shit either. I need like god or buddah or some shit.

[NightskyeB4Dawn]

I suppose everyone's situation is different. Right now my situation is truly all together just fucked up and not really salvage worthy. I am not seeking drugs or alcohol, I can't afford that shit either. I need like god or buddah or some shit.

Every one is different and everyone's situation either reflects or creates the choices we make. What we remember is a bit tricky sometimes. Memory is often so intertwined with emotions that what you remember and what another experiencing the same situation, may describe the same event completely differently.

I know that I have a tendency to overthink the simplest of things. My Mother used to say to me when I was child that I could never sit and accept anything. She said I worried about everything, and the words that came our of my mouth most often was, "Why?", and "What If?"

I have not changed much in all those years. My wheels are turning all the time, and the moment something does not make sense, all the gears come to a screeching halt. I cannot move pass that point until it either makes sense of it, or I have come to the conclusion that it is nonsense.

I think being the oldest of us ten children, and being responsible for them, because both my parents worked odd hour jobs, I am sure is what carved out some of the issues I developed in my mind and psyche.

I remember many things with clarity. Like @ChiefD, the memory can be so strong I can see everything as if it is right in front of me. I can even remember the smells. But the memories are more for me, like watching a movie. A movie that I can't see myself in.

Strangest thing is that I can do that with books. I can so immerse, that I can see, smell, and touch. I can completely immerse myself in a good book, but I can't do that with my own actual memories. Weird huh?

[ChiefD]

I suppose everyone's situation is different. Right now my situation is truly all together just fucked up and not really salvage worthy. I am not seeking drugs or alcohol, I can't afford that shit either. I need like god or buddah or some shit.

Every one is different and everyone's situation either reflects or creates the choices we make. What we remember is a bit tricky sometimes. Memory is often so intertwined with emotions that what you remember and what another experiencing the same situation, may describe the same event completely differently.

I know that I have a tendency to overthink the simplest of things. My Mother used to say to me when I was child that I could never sit and accept anything. She said I worried about everything, and the words that came our of my mouth most often was, "Why?", and "What If?"

I have not changed much in all those years. My wheels are turning all the time, and the moment something does not make sense, all the gears come to a screeching halt. I cannot move pass that point until it either makes sense of it, or I have come to the conclusion that it is nonsense.

I think being the oldest of us ten children, and being responsible for them, because both my parents worked odd hour jobs, I am sure is what  carved out some of the issues I developed in my mind and psyche.

I remember many things with clarity. Like @ChiefD, the memory can be so strong I can see everything as if it is right in front of me. I can even remember the smells. But the memories are more for me, like watching a movie. A movie that I can't see myself in.

Strangest thing is that I can do that with books. I can so immerse, that I can see, smell, and touch. I can completely immerse myself in a good book, but I can't do that with my own actual memories. Weird huh?

I don't think that's strange at all. A good book will transport me in a way no movie can. I'd have to say that most of my memories aren't like that, not that intense.

Wow, you grew up in a big family! I think the environment we grow up in can really shape our personalities. I'm like you in that I worry about everything. I find it difficult to stay in the present when I'm constantly worrying about the future. So this is something I'm working on. I want to live in the moment. It's difficult for me, but I'll continue to work on it. 

@"Brotherman" I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. I hope things get better for you.