Nuisance Telephone Calls.

[BIAD]

Nuisance Telephone Calls.

I can't comment on other areas of the world, but here in Britain we're inundated with
nuisance cold-calling that I have no doubt involve some type of scam or tricking to
acquire private details in the hope of stealing money.

Being retired and at home, I usually get about four to five of these calls per day
and I've noticed recently... maybe something to do with the 'Brexit' decision to leave
the European Union, the callers usually say their 'company' has 'Britain' or 'England'
in their title.

I've had my fair-share of 'Hello, this is Windows and your computer is full of viruses' -calls
and now tend to deal with them by using different 'personalities' to aggrevate them enough
so they hang up.
Which is easier said than done.

I've been Detective-Superintendent BIAD of The Scotland Yard, who attempts to get the caller
to reveal their location and his/her superiors' names so that the caller's prison sentence will be
reduced. (Easy -but authoritve tones needed here!)

There's my paranoid-lives-alone old man (not too far off the mark, some would say!) -who explains
how people in suits come around at night and pour poison into the wires under the road and would
never dare to watch the television or go on someting called 'Tinternet'!
(Scared babbling with a hint of 'I'm eating dog food now' -style of a lonely man who sees the world
moving too fast!)

He's my best one, it's when I can really fire-up my imagination to it's max and usually ends-up with
the Asian-sounding caller assuring me that they won't bother me again. Of course, I would like to
write that it works, but there's always the next set of bastards waiting in the wings.

But I do also enjoy my priest role, where I quietly explain that I understand their deceitful ways and
let them know that for a small donation to my church, I will pull the evil demons that cause the caller
to behave this way, from their dishonest body.
(That condescending voice of someone who knows your spiritual needs and yet, doesn't really
listen to your words of woe!)

There are other ones I've done whilst enduring strange looks from my better-half and instead of
hurling abuse at them -as advised by 'she-who-must-be obeyed' I accompany the cold-caller on a
ride through my dusty halls of fantasy and sally!

These latest calls are all about surveys and personal choice, and after hearing my wife rebuke
them when they warn that by not answering their questions they will keep calling, I will generally
take up the mantle and ponder which crazy bugger I'll be as I accept the handset.

My questions are, do other Rogue members suffer with this crap? -and have you any tips on
getting rid of them?

On a personal note, I would be also honoured... if you would suggest other characters for me
to perform on the telephonic stage! Remember, I don't take on these roles lightly, these guys
should get the best!

[Daitengu]

ACk !!!!!!!!! Just choke on drink laughing ..... erm ....  oops .... *puts on serious face* ......  

Not got that problem ...... no landline ..... an other than my kids who know I cant be bothered to answer calls as usually am either working ..... drinking .... or out playing with things that go boom while drinking .... no one else has my number ....... heh.... my kids know better not ring me up unless its the apocalypse ......
 
Hmmmm...... you could always try turn tables on em start give em sales pitch or survey them ......
Or tell em you work for inland revenue and they are late for their tax audit .....

Need few more drink to get little grey cells working to think up more for you .....

[BIAD]

Or tell em you work for inland revenue and they are late for their tax audit .....

Need few more drink to get little grey cells working to think up more for you .....

That's a good idea... in fact, switching the tables and more drink are two grand ideas!
It's mid-afternoon here and we're on our fifth cold-call from the same place. My wife
has answered them up to now and I think it's about time BIAD The Thespian strode
into view and up to the footlights!!

[gordi]

OK, I'm SORRY! I won't do it again.... today!

"Allo... Misterr  Biad?

Dis is Jonatan from the very very British Internet Providings company that you use.
Can you tells me please what troubles you have been indicating of having with your internet providings?

Ah yes.... for only forty nine dollar ninety five I can reset the friggety widger to speeds up your providings today, all I need is your accounts number sorts code and personal usings PIN number...."




PS - I forgot to say that I USED to deal with cold callers by being OVERLY interested in what they were selling...

Putting on my best Lesley Philips "Ding Dong!!" accent....
"Ohhh yessss! Double Glazing you saaay?? Ooohhhh I do love a nice bit of UPVC in the morning,....ding dongggg!"

Getting more and MORE aroused as the conversation carries on....

Usually only lasts about 2 minutes before they give up!

G

[guohua]

Those answers are just   

[BIAD]

OK, I'm SORRY! I won't do it again.... today!

"Allo... Misterr  Biad?

Dis is Jonatan from the very very British Internet Providings company that you use.
Can you tells me please what troubles you have been indicating of having with your internet providings?

Ah yes.... for only forty nine dollar ninety five I can reset the friggety widger to speeds up your providings today,
all I need is your accounts number sorts code and personal usings PIN number...."




PS - I forgot to say that I USED to deal with cold callers by being OVERLY interested in what they were selling...

Putting on my best Lesley Philips "Ding Dong!!" accent....
"Ohhh yessss! Double Glazing you saaay?? Ooohhhh I do love a nice bit of UPVC in the morning,....ding dongggg!"

Getting more and MORE aroused as the conversation carries on....

Usually only lasts about 2 minutes before they give up!

G

Well, your format is slightly different to the ones we've been getting for the last four years!
But, I'm gonna give your 'Oh Ding-dong!' impression a go, though.
Cheers, Big G!!

Here's the standard one we get:

 My wife picks up the ringing phone and says 'Hello?'
*Call Centre babble in the background*
Caller- "Hello... Can I speak to Meester BIAD, please?" (Indian or Pakistani accent)
Wife- 'Who's calling?'
Caller- "Hello Madam, how are you today?"

The second question was to imply confidence and ergo, purveying to the listener that this
must be 'real' and a genuine company.
The cold-caller isn't really interested in who answers the phone, but due to cultural hard-wiring,
always asks for the man of the house. The cold-caller has now adjusted and begins to
read from his script.

Wife- 'I'm fine, thank you'
Caller- "Meesus BIAD, is your phone number blah-blah-blah?'
Wife- Yes.
(A series of other questions about your address follow to get you used to saying the word 'yes')

Caller- "Meesus BIAD... I'm from UK Lifestyle and I would like to ask y...."
Wife- 'No thank you. This is the third time you've rang today and I've already told I am not
interested in answering your questions'
Caller- "But Madam, this will only take two minutes""
Wife- 'No, I am not interested and will you please stop calling this number'

Caller- "Yes Madam, but if you answer the questions, we will stop ringing you"
Wife- 'Is that a threat?!'
Caller- "Meesus BIAD, It will only take two..."
Wife- 'No'
(She hangs up the phone)
..............................

Here is one of Boy In A Dress' responses to a cold-call and I must admit, it takes a lot of
discipline not to burst out laughing when he's doing them!!

BIAD picks up the ringing telephone and places a long-nailed finger over the tiny mouth-piece.
*Call Centre babble in the background*
Caller- "Hello...?" (Small pause and no response) "Hello?"
(BIAD waits two seconds before answering in a wary tone.)
BIAD- 'Is... is that you Moira?'

(The voice hints at a distrustful, scared person. Possibly a prime target for someone selling
a product or stealing bank account details. Also, the voice is male and it's assumed that the
man is the main household earner.)

Caller- "Hello, can I speak to Meester BIAD?"
BIAD- 'P-please... keep yer' voice down, they'll hear us' (said in a whisper)
Caller- "Hello Meester BIAD, how are you today?"
BIAD- 'I'm okay, but it's only a matter of time before they get me'

Caller- "Sir, are you Mr. Boy In A Dress of blah-blah (address)?"
BIAD- 'No, this is a derelict house I'm hiding in because I can see them better'

Caller- "Sir, I'm from UK Preference and I'd..."
BIAD- 'Is this about the television...? I don't watch it now, not after what I seen 'em do'
Caller- "Sir, I have..."

(Ignoring the cold-caller now)
BIAD- 'Oh I know you understand Moira, they were back again, last night. They're using robot
dogs too... did I tell you that?"
Caller- "The survey will only ta..."
BIAD- '...Pouring evil (pronounced eeevil!) into the wires... Oh I've seen 'em... Murdock and his
cronies... they're all in on it, Moira'
Caller- "Can I ask you a few questions, Meester BIAD?"

BIAD- 'It started when they got Kennedy, he knew... HE knew alright, just like I know what they're
up to with their radiation-stuff and their food-bugging. I've seeeen 'em, Moira, I've seen 'em'
Caller- Thank you for your time, Meester B..."

BIAD- '...AND THEY'LL GET YOU TOO MOIRA... They'll get all of yer's. They pour it into
the wires and they listen thru' the television. It's wrong...(BIAD sounds exhausted now on the
off-chance the cold-caller may sense it and take another swing at swindling him!)
...Just plain-wrong'

The telephone line is dead.

[BIAD]

There's another personality I've done, but because my better-half may be close by, I'm limited
in what I can say when I'm in full-flow. However, I still get dissaproving looks when I give the
cold-caller the 'stunted' rendition!

I pick up the ringing phone and say 'Hello?'
*Call Centre babble in the background*

Caller- "Hello... Can I speak to Meester BIAD, please?" (Indian or Pakistani accent)
BIAD- 'I am Father BIAD, may I ask who's calling on this fine day?'
Caller- "Hello Sir, how are you today?"
BIAD- 'Well my son, the Lord giveth and... well, you know?'

Caller- "Sir, I am calling from UK Lifestyle and I have a few questions for you. It will only
take two minutes of your time, Sir"
BIAD- 'Please call me Father BIAD, my son. Now what are your concerns?'
Caller- Can you please verify for me that you live at blah-blah-blah...?" (address)

BIAD- 'I live in the house of God, my son... we all do'
Caller- "Who is your broadband provider, Sir? Is it Virgin, T-Mobile, Sky...?"
BIAD- The Father is my provider, my son... he is the true light in these days of...'
(Caller attempts to take control of the conversation)

Caller- "Sir, is it one the providers I mentioned?"
(Said quickly and with a slight authoritive tone)
BIAD- 'It will be Virgin... as Mary was also untouched'
Caller- "Thank you Sir, and... (using a quickly-moving-on voice)... would you tell me how
you pay your bill, Sir? Is it direct-debit, cheque or credit card, Sir?"

BIAD- 'The church provides a small stipend for my services, but I must admit that lately,
I've been dipping into the donations tray to make ends-meet, my son'
(Slight pause)
Caller- "Do you pay your bill by one of the methods I mentioned, Sir?"
BIAD- 'I understand, my son and I think it's time we both realise that this continuous sinning
must stop'
Caller- "Sir, do you pay your bills by using direct debit, che..."
(BIAD has had enough!)

BIAD- 'Let's get on our knees and seek forgiveness for the eeevil (there it is again!) that has
tempted us from the righteous path... come on Moira, on yer' knees Boy!!'
Caller- "Sir..."
BIAD- '...Let's grovel at his feet and tell him about what you did to yourself in the bath last night...
Hit that floor Moira and give me ten Hail-Marys!!'
Cold-Caller hangs up.

(BIAD's in full-flow and ignoring his wife's waving of 'be quiet'!)
BIAD- 'We can do it Moira... we can get these demons out of us, just stick yer' fingers in yer'...'

Wife- "BIAD!! Stop that at once and get back in your shed!"

[Sol]

LOLOL


There was this one company that used to call on Louise's cell two to three times a day. She blocked the numbers and they were still calling...

A few weeks ago, I am sitting beside her, her cell rings and she sighs...so I know... : )

" OK..give me the phone..."

She gives me the phone and I joyfully answer...

" Salaam aleekoum..."

....silence...

" Alloooo ???..."

...silence...

" ALLO....SALAAM ????....

...click.


Hehehe...they haven't called back since


But I love the pastor one. Will keep that one in mind. Next time they call, they'll meet Pastor Dick....


Hilarious thread !!!

[BIAD]

Hilarious thread !!!   

Cheers Sol.
I was tempted to use the name 'Father DoNotTouchMe' and come off as an old whisky-drinking
priest similar to Denholm Elliott's train-travelling character in 'Trading Places'!!

And... I'll try out yours next time, Salaam!!!

[gordi]

LOLOL


There was this one company that used to call on Louise's cell two to three times a day. She blocked the numbers and they were still calling...

A few weeks ago, I am sitting beside her, her cell rings and she sighs...so I know... : )

" OK..give me the phone..."

She gives me the phone and I joyfully answer...

" Salaam aleekoum..."

....silence...

" Alloooo ???..."

...silence...

" ALLO....SALAAM ????....

...click.


Hehehe...they haven't called back since  


But I love the pastor one. Will keep that one in mind. Next time they call, they'll meet Pastor Dick....  


Hilarious thread !!!  

I think..... "Pastor Window" is good! LOL

[BIAD]

" Salaam aleekoum..."
....silence...
" Alloooo ???..."
...silence...
" ALLO....SALAAM ????....
...click.

Tried it and I couldn't believe how quick the call was curtailed!!
I'm waiting to see if they ring again and I must brush-up on my accent delivery!
Cheers Sol.

[Sol]

" Salaam aleekoum..."
....silence...
" Alloooo ???..."
...silence...
" ALLO....SALAAM ????....
...click.

Tried it and I couldn't believe how quick the call was curtailed!!
I'm waiting to see if they ring again and I must brush-up on my accent delivery!
Cheers Sol.

LMAO !!!




I think that getting the Arabic tone right is important. LOL I would pay to find out what they'd be thinking on the other end...

I'm sure one of the first thoughts is .... "Oh shit...." .... LOL

Good stuff !!!

[BIAD]

LMAO !!!




I think that getting the Arabic tone right is important. LOL   I would pay to find out what they'd be thinking on the other end...

I'm sure one of the first thoughts is .... "Oh shit...." .... LOL

Good stuff !!!  

Oh make no mistake, I put my best foot forward and began with 'Er...Allo?' Then left a slight pause so that
they could answer with "Hello?" Then keeping the struggling-accent approach firmly in it's place, I used
the words you advised.

IF... there is a next time, I will push the envelope further and change to a tone of happy optimism.
However, at this point, the phone is still silent!

[BIAD]

I think..... "Pastor Window" is good! LOL

I see Pastor Window as the founder of the little-known semi-religious group of
'The Order Of The Touching Cloth' and has a penchant for blessed red wine and
well-rounded, big-hipped female followers.

His white collar -purchased at the St. Everard Anglican church jumble sale, is always
worn during Pastor Window's services and his strange bathing habits.

Local fishermen, who frequent the nearby stream that just happens to pass a Nunnery,
believe there's more-than-meets-the eye, when the good Pastor strips down to his birthday
suit and refreshes his naked body with the waters of God.
And... as Sid Cornforth told me in the Tackle Shop, there's no need for him to wave at the
distant figures of the gardening nuns going about their business.
Well, not with that thing, anyway.

Pastor Window can occasionally be seen humming to himself as he wanders the small
thoroughfares of the village on his way to seeing if any of the ladies need a quick dose of
spiritual guidance.

With the light tune of 'Bringing In The Sheaves' fluttering from his lips, the good Pastor
slips from house to house whilst husbands are at work, on the off-chance he can spread
the good word and scrounge a cup of tea.
Especially at Big Barbara's.
 
After Evensong, Pastor Windows likes to wind-down with a half-glass of Tesco's Spanish Red,
the heavily-thumbed lingerie section of Baylor's Clothes catalogue and his favourite Benny
Hill video collection.

He's a simple soul.

[Sol]

and his favourite Benny Hill video collection.

Oh the memories !!!!

[guohua]

and his favourite Benny Hill video collection.

Oh the memories !!!!

[1984hasarrived]

I find one that works for me is one I sadly had to use this summer.

I was at someone's house, and they had just died, so when I got a cold caller asking "Can I speak to Mrs X please?" , in all sincerity I could say

"No, she is dead."

That was the end of every cold call - not even a sorry or anything.  They just hung up quickly.

[BIAD]

I find one that works for me is one I sadly had to use this summer.

I was at someone's house, and they had just died, so when I got a cold caller asking
"Can I speak to Mrs X please?" , in all sincerity I could say
"No, she is dead."

That was the end of every cold call - not even a sorry or anything.  They just hung up quickly.

We did that one a couple of times and you're right, it does work.


However, the calls we're receiving are supposedly from two or three companies that
-in fact, don't exist and so, are not burdened with any such moral guilt-tied decisions
to not call again.

Someone answers the telephone and since they're at that particular address and have
access to a telephone that must be paid for, it's deemed an area that can be exploited
by those who make the call.

General surveys to discover one's preferences can lead two ways -always assuming the
survey company is legitimate. They can amass information to look for trends that other
companies can use to 'push' their products in a certain direction or that gathered information
can be sold on to companies that tend to sell their products over the telephone and electronic
mediums.

But the fake survey outfits, their agenda is similar but their end-game is slightly different.
Their particular goal is within the presumed and hoped-for transaction.

Let's say I ask you a couple of questions orientated in such a way, that the queries imply
you enjoy frequent vacations to local areas near where you live. Maybe I can surmise from
your answers that you're of a certain age...(actually, they probably already have that info!)
... and that you tend to use a bicycle to get to these locations.
(I know this sounds zany, but please allow me!)

So, now the cold-caller can pass on that information to another, someone probably in the
same room as the alleged surveyor and they contact the person who answered the phone
-call and pretend to be an agent from a company that sells parts and appliances that can
only be used specifically on bicycles.

If the person who answered the call can be tempted to purchase an item, then the need
to acquire personal financial details comes into play and there... right there is the initial
reason you were first called.
It's a variation on the 'Windows Virus' scam.

Unknown to the cold-caller, I have an ailing Mother-in-law and she only has a landline
-based telephone to use, so without resorting to other solutions, we're sort-of at the
mercy of these swindlers' attempts.

These con-men are not interested in anything except someone answering their call.
But, when I do answer it and these idiots begin their speech, I feel I should be a
responsible adult and try out one of my characters.

We've done the 'dead member of the family'-thing and I even played that character
speaking from beyond the grave! The b*stards still chip on with "Well Sir, can you
spare just a couple of minutes of your time?"!!

When I respond that I have all of eternity to spare, it means nothing to them.
Their script -apparently, doesn't involve levity with the paranormal!

[Ninurta]

Well, I have no land line any more, and am restricted to a cell phone. My cell is not in my real name, but registered to an older nom de guerre that I don't use for much any more, so I can be fairly sure that unknown callers are not trying to reach me per se. Still, before I got this number, someone else had it, and that someone was reluctant to pay her bills, apparently, so I get the odd collections call here and there.

Generally, I don't answer calls from numbers that are not already programmed into the phone. One persistent cuss called repeatedly for several days, so I decided to answer it on the off chance it was someone calling for that older name the phone is registered to, but alas it was just a collections call for the young lady who was phobic towards her bills.

The first I answered asked if Ms So-And-So was available, and I replied that I didn't know her availability, because I didn't know her, and hung up. I guess they didn't believe me, and doubled up on their callbacks.

The last call they made went like this:

Me: "Hello, and welcome to the GLAW-ree-ous Church of JAY-sus, Apostolic Pentecostal Successionist... In-CAW-por-ate-ed, Brother Billy Bob Boswell speaking. Have you heard the Word of GAWD today?"

Caller: "Hello. Is Ms So-And-So available?"

Me: "I dunno who that is, but let's talk about YOU. Have you been SAVED, Worshed in the Blood of the Lamb? If not, we can fix that inna jiffy, brother!"

Caller: "I really need to speak with Ms So-And-So, it's about her..."

Me: "Ah, I see yer deflecting from the subjet at hand, which CLEAR-LEH show you ain't been worshed in the blood yet, as yer still a-kickin' agin the goad. We kin fix that, an' git ye on the right road in no time, though. Now, all you gotta do is git down on yer knees and repeat these 3 phrases to be SAVED."

Caller: "Well, no, Uh, I really..."

Me: "Git thee buh-HIND me, Satan! Don't worry now, we can git rid o' that demonic oppression yer sufferin' under, brother. Just git down on yer..."

Caller: "About Ms So-And So and her..."

Me: "Be HEALED! I'll git that demon out o' yer yet, and atter that we kin git on towards workin' out yer redemption. Now GIT down on yer knees an' repeat atter me..."

Caller: "But I..."

Me: (unitelligible string of gibberish meant to represent "tongues")

Caller: Click.

Never heard from them again.


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