Rods quote of the day : 10th July 2020

[Rodinus]

When the bottom is falling out of your world... :



Drink ten pints of guinness after spending a cheap and crappy night in a Harrogate night club, leaving with a drunk slapper called Amber after the last dance and then drive through the yorkshire dales until you arrive in Bradford UK.

Having arrived at the Bradford curry house, eat copious amounts of vindaloo Chicken Garlic Balti...






AND THE WORLD WILL FALL OUT OF YOUR BOTTOM...

This is humour only... PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE IF YOU RESPECT THOSE YOU LOVE AND THOSE THAT OTHERS LOVE.

Thank you.

[727Sky]

 I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young
lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to
place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first
window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done, because as we moved up
she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.",
obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with a kindness.

When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took
her food too.

Now she has to go back to the end of the line start all over.

Don't honk your horn at old people.

[727Sky]

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY 

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary.

For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am
still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years
ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with
my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!


TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air --
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.


WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda
was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club
members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and
when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.


THURSDAY

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took
me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she
put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that  $#@&^*  Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on
my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the  */@$%&-  barbells or anything that weighs
more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,
like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
wife will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a vasectomy.  

[727Sky]

           Dead Penguins - I never knew this! 



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? 

Wonder no more! ! ! 
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate

 

for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspringthroughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and socialcircle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks,until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

 

 

 


 

 

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." 

 

 

 

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you? 

It's so easy to fool OLD people. 

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!! 

[727Sky]

 

[b]CALLER:[/b]
[b] [/b] [b]Is this Gordon's Pizza?[/b]
[b] [/b]
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] [b] [/b] 
[b]No sir, it's Google Pizza.[/b]
[b] [/b]
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]I must have dialed a wrong number.  Sorry.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] 
[b]No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]OK.  I would like to order a pizza.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] 
[b]Do you want your usual, sir?[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b]
[b]My usual? You know me?[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b]
[b]According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]OK! That’s what I want ...[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b]
[b]May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]What? I detest vegetable![/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] 
[b]Your cholesterol is not good, sir.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]How the hell do you know![/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b]
[b]Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.  We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b]
[b]Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza!  I already take medication for my cholesterol.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b]
[b]Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.  According to our database, you purchased[/b] [b]  [/b] [b] [/b] [b]  [/b] [b]only a[/b] [b]  [/b] [b] [/b] [b]  [/b] [b]box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]I bought more from another drugstore.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] 
[b]That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.[/b]
 
[b]I paid in cash.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] 
[b]But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]I have other sources of cash.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b]
[b]That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b] 
[b]WHAT THE HELL![/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] 
[b]I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.[/b]
 
[b]CALLER:[/b]
[b]Enough already!  I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Whats App and all the others.  I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.[/b]
 
[b]GOOGLE:[/b] [b]  [/b] 
[b]I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first.  It expired 6 months ago[/b]

[727Sky]

Subject: LK  Engineers
How To Understand Engineers..........
 
Understanding  Engineers 1 

Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?" 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway." 


 Understanding  Engineers 2 


To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. 
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 


 Understanding  Engineers 3 


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. 
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 
The doctor  chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!" 
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us?  They're rather slow, aren't they?" 
The green-keeper  replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" 
The group fell silent for a moment. 
The priest  said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight." 
The doctor  said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and  see if here's anything she can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" 


 Understanding  Engineers 4 


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? 
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. 


 Understanding  Engineers 5 


The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that? 
           

 Understanding Engineers 6 


Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet. 


 Understanding  Engineers 7


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. 

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." 

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." 

Again,the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 

Finally,the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.  Why won't you kiss me?" 

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool." 


And  Finally 


Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing 

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." 

The  woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked  away. 

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" 

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to  Parliament. 

[727Sky]

Subject:  Government Announcement
 
 
 
Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
 
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
 
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
 
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
 
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
 
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
 
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
 
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
 
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) 
PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[727Sky]

Quarantine Thoughts 

 
*  Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
 
*   I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

  *   I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

  *   Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

  *   PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

  *   Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

  *   I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

  *   This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

  *   So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

  *   Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

  *   My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

  *   Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

  *   I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

  *   I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

  *   Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

  *   Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.

  *   Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.

[hounddoghowlie]

If,

"if a grasshopper could fire a .45, the birds wouldn't fuck with him."

"if a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped."

 "if you play with fire, you get burned."
 
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of house payments."

"if you stay high all the time, other people are more interesting."

"if you play on the interstate highway, chances are you'll get run over"

" “If a person smiles all the time, their probably high."

" if it's the thought that counts, then there are a lot of dead motherfuckers out there."

" if you slap the stupid out of Social Justice Warriors, there is nothing left."

" if you think air is free, buy a bag of potato chip when you have the munchies."

" if you want to see others point of view, you may have to stick your head up your own ass."

 "if farts are like kids, i'm proud of mine and disgusted by yours."

 
some stoned dude years ago