The Cynical Philosopher

[727Sky]

Cynical Philosopher...
 
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
 
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
 
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
 
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
 
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
 
♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
 
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
 
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
 
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
 
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
 
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
 
♦ Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
 
♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
 
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
 
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
 
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
 
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
 
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
 
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
 
♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

[Finspiracy]

These are great! Humor and wisdom in the same package! Let me try! This popped into my head a couple of days ago, when i was contemplating my previous career as a problematic alcoholic and current career as an i don't know what, yet.

If you are being an ass, don't wonder if the world around you is shit.

[727Sky]

Hope you can kick the Alcohol . There are to many people around here drinking themselves to an early grave...every day for them ends in a pub with their buds until closing.