Feeling like a lone wolf

[senona]

There isn’t a shoutbox, but I need to get some things off my chest. I’m really happy with my life despite my missing my hubby so much it takes my breath away at times. I did my weekly visit with him at the nursing home. His cognizance is getting a little worse over time, due to two strokes, aphasia, and tardive dyskinesia. I see this happening gradually, and it’s tearing me apart. There’s not a damn thing I can do to help him or slow down time. I tell myself every day to remember the Serenity Prayer. But it’s a struggle at times.

I’m in Green Bay, WI for my nephew’s wedding tomorrow. Originally, my youngest sister was going to room with me and split the cost, but she backed out at the last minute. My middle sister, her hubby, my three nieces and their respective hubbys all partied with me earlier in their room. It was a lot of fun. Now I’m back in my room by myself and feeling a little disconnected from everything. There’s no reason for me to be feeling melancholy, yet I miss my hubby a lot when these things go on. I miss him being with me and feel guilty having fun without him. I know it’s kind of fucked up to feel that way. 

I keep a lot of this stuff to myself. This is the only place I feel I can vent without judgement. Otherwise I feel apart from most people. I put on a brave face, smile and laugh. But I’m planning my hubby’s funeral, and feel so damn depressed. It sucks, and I feel like it’s dragging me down. But I still do my best to find joy in things I see. The little birds on my feeder who fuss and fight make me laugh and smile. There’s a really fat little bunny that likes to eat all the bird seed left over on my patio. He’s just a cutie. The squirrels chase each other and wrestle on my patio. But when I’m away from home, I start feeling lonely and disconnected from the rest of the world. 

This is temporary. By tomorrow, I will be excited about the wedding Then one more night, and I will be back home, where I will feel like myself again.

I know EXACTLY what you are feeling and what you are going through.
And for that, I am so sorry and send positive vibes your way.

It is tough seeing your loved one going downhill like that and not being able to help them.
And yes, you feel guilty when you might just have a bit of fun. I know that feeling as well.


All you can do is always be there for him --- talk to him, hold his hand, read to him --- even if he can no longer respond
He hears you, I truly believe that.

My Jim had ways of letting me know that he knew I was there, despite not being able to speak towards the end



Stay strong, you've got this!!
Enjoy the wedding


Know that we are here for you, so vent away my friend