09-20-2020, 04:15 AM
@"ChiefD"
Hello! Your post made me cry but i knew that it would happen, before reading. Don't worry about it, i am emotional and i cry multiple times every single day. I took a moment to catch my breath and now i am here trying to help.
You wrote
You have NOT failed you husband! Maybe you couldn't see what was happening to him, because your mind tried to protect you. You subconsciously knew, but it was too painful for you, and you just were not aware of it fully. I don't know all the details, but a nursing home, with all the trained professionals, without emotions like love involved, can be a better alternative. It must hurt like hell, yes, but for his well being, it might be better. Depression is acceptable and understandable. So is anger. Guilt and worthlessness? not so much... I don't know your past and i refuse to pretend that i do, but regarding this issue, don't feel guilt. Don't mentally beat yourself up. You obviously care about your husband more than anything else, you love him, and that is more than any man could ask or want. Be gentle towards yourself. Worthlessness? NO! First of all, you are a human being, and that alone gives you worth and value. You write in detail and with emotion, you are not hiding, you are not pretending, you are genuine. That is a beautiful thing. It is a thing with worth, and you are a person who has worth. A lot!
You wrote
Yeah, i have used this bad sci fi movie comparison all the time (dystopia, as in future portrayed in a negative manner) I used to love those movies. I haven't watched a single one of those this year, because i am living in one, and there is not even pause or stop buttons. Yes, it seems surreal, but it is real, and very, very hard to accept.
I already told you that you are a human, and that you have value, and you react with emotions. People like that cry sometimes. There is no need to hide it. Before my accident with the bus, when i could go outside, i cried in public often. I just let the tears flow. Sometimes, people stared at me a bit. So what? I much rather cry genuinely than fake a smile.
I am unable to give you any advice regarding God. It is a subject that everyone has to deal within themselves, without an external source of info. My relationship with God has been rotten for months now, and i am working on it, but it doesn't look too good. Maybe God does not see here, maybe God is not here. Maybe planet Earth is controlled and ruled by entirely different entity or entities. Look, i suffer from depression too. Multiple suicide attempts, severe substance abuse in the past, struggling with alcoholism later. Buried almost everyone i have ever loved and cared for. Last new year's eve, when 2019 changed to 2020, i looked up into the dark sky. The blinking stars. Occasional fireworks here and there. I made a wish. From the depths of my heart. "God, make this new year and new decade, be a little bit better for me. If that is out of the question, please make it at least slightly more tolerable" and what did i get? You already wrote what i got, in the opening sentences of your post. A total clusterfuck. So yeah, i am not praising the grace and everlasting love of God right now. God should understand, and if not, God can go and flush his/her/whatever sadist and psychopathic ass down the toilet right now.
You wrote
GOOD! Nothing wrong with that. Yeah things like obsessive shopping and spending so much money that there is not enough of it for necessary things anymore is bad, but if you buy something nice every now and then, and it costs something, it is totally alright and you have earned it!
You wrote
A good and a very healthy approach! Keep doing it! We are here to read, and to help.
I wish all the best for you and your husband!
Hello! Your post made me cry but i knew that it would happen, before reading. Don't worry about it, i am emotional and i cry multiple times every single day. I took a moment to catch my breath and now i am here trying to help.
You wrote
Quote:I continue to wrestle some days with feelings of depression, anger, guilt and worthlessness. I still feel I have failed the man I love more than anyone in my life, my husband of 28 years. I couldn’t see what was happening to him, and in the end, I wasn’t able to give him the care he so badly needed. So the nursing home is doing what I was never able to do
You have NOT failed you husband! Maybe you couldn't see what was happening to him, because your mind tried to protect you. You subconsciously knew, but it was too painful for you, and you just were not aware of it fully. I don't know all the details, but a nursing home, with all the trained professionals, without emotions like love involved, can be a better alternative. It must hurt like hell, yes, but for his well being, it might be better. Depression is acceptable and understandable. So is anger. Guilt and worthlessness? not so much... I don't know your past and i refuse to pretend that i do, but regarding this issue, don't feel guilt. Don't mentally beat yourself up. You obviously care about your husband more than anything else, you love him, and that is more than any man could ask or want. Be gentle towards yourself. Worthlessness? NO! First of all, you are a human being, and that alone gives you worth and value. You write in detail and with emotion, you are not hiding, you are not pretending, you are genuine. That is a beautiful thing. It is a thing with worth, and you are a person who has worth. A lot!
You wrote
Quote:So today, I went out to lunch. As I observed all the tables that had been removed to have the right social distancing, and a man having to constantly clean and sanitize everything, I started feeling like I’m in some bad sci if type movie regarding a pandemic where everyone is angry and helpless. It just seemed surreal. But in a movie, there is a hero that sweeps in and saves the day. That is not the current reality though. I feel like I’m sinking into an abyss, quicksand from which there is no escape. I started to cry, trying to muffle my sobs so nobody would stare at and judge me. Then I felt really angry. How could God watch us all suffer like this and turn His back on us? I tried to get that out of my mind.
Yeah, i have used this bad sci fi movie comparison all the time (dystopia, as in future portrayed in a negative manner) I used to love those movies. I haven't watched a single one of those this year, because i am living in one, and there is not even pause or stop buttons. Yes, it seems surreal, but it is real, and very, very hard to accept.
I already told you that you are a human, and that you have value, and you react with emotions. People like that cry sometimes. There is no need to hide it. Before my accident with the bus, when i could go outside, i cried in public often. I just let the tears flow. Sometimes, people stared at me a bit. So what? I much rather cry genuinely than fake a smile.
I am unable to give you any advice regarding God. It is a subject that everyone has to deal within themselves, without an external source of info. My relationship with God has been rotten for months now, and i am working on it, but it doesn't look too good. Maybe God does not see here, maybe God is not here. Maybe planet Earth is controlled and ruled by entirely different entity or entities. Look, i suffer from depression too. Multiple suicide attempts, severe substance abuse in the past, struggling with alcoholism later. Buried almost everyone i have ever loved and cared for. Last new year's eve, when 2019 changed to 2020, i looked up into the dark sky. The blinking stars. Occasional fireworks here and there. I made a wish. From the depths of my heart. "God, make this new year and new decade, be a little bit better for me. If that is out of the question, please make it at least slightly more tolerable" and what did i get? You already wrote what i got, in the opening sentences of your post. A total clusterfuck. So yeah, i am not praising the grace and everlasting love of God right now. God should understand, and if not, God can go and flush his/her/whatever sadist and psychopathic ass down the toilet right now.
You wrote
Quote:Then I went shopping and probably spent more money than I should have. But it made me feel better.
GOOD! Nothing wrong with that. Yeah things like obsessive shopping and spending so much money that there is not enough of it for necessary things anymore is bad, but if you buy something nice every now and then, and it costs something, it is totally alright and you have earned it!
You wrote
Quote:So that’s why I’m pouring my heart out. When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.
A good and a very healthy approach! Keep doing it! We are here to read, and to help.
I wish all the best for you and your husband!
"Man is fully responsible for his nature and his choices."
-Jean-Paul Sartre
-Jean-Paul Sartre