09-20-2020, 01:31 AM
Hey everyone! I see so many that are going through tough times. 2020 is a total clusterfuck. I try to pray for everyone that I see a post they are struggling with something. Having said that, I absolutely hate the phrase “we’re all in this together”. That just makes me wanna puke. Mainly because we all fight our own individual battles. To think we’re all in some army or something just seems off in some way. It just may be my cynicism.
I think of you all and think of you all as my own little dysfunctional family. We probably don’t agree at all on most things, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have each other’s back. My battle at this point in my life is struggling with chronic depression. I’ve been on meds since 2018, so that is helping me a little. But I continue to wrestle some days with feelings of depression, anger, guilt and worthlessness. I still feel I have failed the man I love more than anyone in my life, my husband of 28 years. I couldn’t see what was happening to him, and in the end, I wasn’t able to give him the care he so badly needed. So the nursing home is doing what I was never able to do.
And with more staff members at his nursing home testing positive for COVID-19, his unit seems to be on an endless quarantine. No window visits or outdoor visits until at least 10/2. I Facetime with him, but it’s not the same, and it’s starting to take a serious toll on my mental health. I’m so worried about his mental health too. And I’m powerless to do anything about it. That just kills me, because I’m such a damn control freak.
So today, I went out to lunch. As I observed all the tables that had been removed to have the right social distancing, and a man having to constantly clean and sanitize everything, I started feeling like I’m in some bad sci if type movie regarding a pandemic where everyone is angry and helpless. It just seemed surreal. But in a movie, there is a hero that sweeps in and saves the day. That is not the current reality though. I feel like I’m sinking into an abyss, quicksand from which there is no escape. I started to cry, trying to muffle my sobs so nobody would stare at and judge me. Then I felt really angry. How could God watch us all suffer like this and turn His back on us? I tried to get that out of my mind.
Then I went shopping and probably spent more money than I should have. But it made me feel better. I am trying my best not to give in to anger and despair. But I’m floundering. I musn’t give up. I think most people with depression have thoughts like this. I’m looking into talking to a professional about my feelings. I don’t want this to get to the point where I start thinking about killing myself. Been there, done that, and it sucks. So that’s why I’m pouring my heart out. When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.
I think of you all and think of you all as my own little dysfunctional family. We probably don’t agree at all on most things, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have each other’s back. My battle at this point in my life is struggling with chronic depression. I’ve been on meds since 2018, so that is helping me a little. But I continue to wrestle some days with feelings of depression, anger, guilt and worthlessness. I still feel I have failed the man I love more than anyone in my life, my husband of 28 years. I couldn’t see what was happening to him, and in the end, I wasn’t able to give him the care he so badly needed. So the nursing home is doing what I was never able to do.
And with more staff members at his nursing home testing positive for COVID-19, his unit seems to be on an endless quarantine. No window visits or outdoor visits until at least 10/2. I Facetime with him, but it’s not the same, and it’s starting to take a serious toll on my mental health. I’m so worried about his mental health too. And I’m powerless to do anything about it. That just kills me, because I’m such a damn control freak.
So today, I went out to lunch. As I observed all the tables that had been removed to have the right social distancing, and a man having to constantly clean and sanitize everything, I started feeling like I’m in some bad sci if type movie regarding a pandemic where everyone is angry and helpless. It just seemed surreal. But in a movie, there is a hero that sweeps in and saves the day. That is not the current reality though. I feel like I’m sinking into an abyss, quicksand from which there is no escape. I started to cry, trying to muffle my sobs so nobody would stare at and judge me. Then I felt really angry. How could God watch us all suffer like this and turn His back on us? I tried to get that out of my mind.
Then I went shopping and probably spent more money than I should have. But it made me feel better. I am trying my best not to give in to anger and despair. But I’m floundering. I musn’t give up. I think most people with depression have thoughts like this. I’m looking into talking to a professional about my feelings. I don’t want this to get to the point where I start thinking about killing myself. Been there, done that, and it sucks. So that’s why I’m pouring my heart out. When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.