07-03-2020, 05:20 AM
(07-02-2020, 09:24 PM)TheRedneck Wrote: Claim #1: I once threatened my superior at work with a loaded pistol... and did not get fired!
Claim #2: I once designed, built, and entered into combat a "Battlebot" as a member of a team I assembled.
Claim #3: I was once hung by the neck with a noose for several minutes. Yes, I survived. No, there was no fetish involved.
The Truths:
Truth #1 is that I did indeed threaten my superior with a gun at work, and I was not fired. Here's what happened:
It was in, I believe, 1988. I had been hired on with a structural steel detailing firm as a draftsman along with two other draftsmen in Birmingham. The Chief Draftsman, who we all reported to, was a gent we'll call Joe (not his real name of course). Joe was a short, stocky fellow with a wild sense of humor, a very dirty mind, and a crush on the secretary (who, incidentally, considered him scum for all I could tell). I had been hired on for a few weeks, and in that short time I managed to BS my way out of my probation period early.
Unbeknownst to me, Joe had a prank he would play on new recruits. As I was sitting at my board one day, he came around the corner brandishing what turned out to be his .380 semi-auto pistol. He was pointing it one direction after another in quick jerky movements, his impression of the guys in "Miami Vice" (which was popular at the time). The gun was unloaded, and it would typically scare the bejeesus out of the new rookies and had become almost a rite of passage for new hires.
Unbeknownst to Joe, I was still packing at the time. I had the little Charter Arms revolver described earlier stuck safely inside an ankle holster. It was a secondary gun, since I had not heard of Charter Arms before buying it and it had been priced pretty cheap, which probably explains why I don't know the model number. Still, it was small, lightweight, and pretty darn accurate. It was also balanced very close to a Smith & Wesson, which is my favorite revolver. A spring finally broke inside it, but I did come to like that cheap little gun... was much less conspicuous than my old S&W Model 66 4".
So I am sitting at my board and see Joe come around the corner brandishing a gun! My first thought was something along the lines of "Holy crap! The boy's gone postal!" and my self-training kicked in immediately. I stepped out and dropped to one knee, in the same motion flicking my pants leg up, unlocking the holster, and pulling out the gun. Before I could aim, Joe saw it and dropped his, stepping back with both hands in the air and the blood all draining from his face, literally screaming something to the effect of "It was a joke! Don't shoot me!"
I'm glad he did that so quickly, because my little bang-bang was coming to bear. I stopped when his pistol hit the floor, saying something to the effect of "You idiot, don't ever do that again! I could have killed your ass!"
As I re-holstered my gun, the whole room broke out into hysterical laughter at Joe! Turned out no one really thought it was particularly funny except Joe, but hey, who's gonna argue with the boss? They thought it was great that he finally found himself on the other end of a potentially lead-filled experience. Especially the secretary, who I wound up spending a weekend with at my place shortly thereafter (never had the heart to tell poor Joe about that).
Joe never pulled that stunt ever again.
Truth #2 is that yes, I was indeed hung by the neck for several minutes (I never mentioned the number 3, IAMTAT... but it was more like 5 minutes from all accounts).
For this one I had to go back to the mid 70s. As I said I was probably in the range of 12 years old, only a few years since the schools here had been integrated. Nooses were strictly, and I mean strictly illegal! Which, of course, made every kid for miles around want one desperately. One of the guys I hung around with brought one to school one day (and yes, I had some too... made them myself to see if I could do it, but I never had the guts to bring one to school).
There was maybe 8-10 of us young cocky rednecks hanging out in the gym at recess, and no teacher in sight... they were all outside. We were all up on the stage, and one of the guys was showing off his noose. Someone had the bright idea to ask him how it worked. Next thing I knew, it was over my head! I went to throw it off because... well, these are redneck kids and they just might try to string me up, you know? Turns out that was exactly what they had in mind! I was rapidly developing a reputation at the time for being extraordinarily tough, so some of them later told me they chose me because they didn't think anyone else could survive it.
They had the rope draped over the steel joist over the stage area, and before I could get the thing off my head, they pulled it tight and me up. My thumbs were trapped in the noose against my neck, so I couldn't even flail my arms... but damn, my legs were moving looking for something solid! Your whole priority system changes in that situation, you know?
I was later told I was up there for about 5 minutes... seemed more like 5 hours to me, but that's probably because I was having trouble breathing. Thankfully, my thumbs meant my windpipe wasn't completely closed off, but it was restricted and I was using a LOT of oxygen trying to find a solid footing. I finally realized that this could turn into a very bad situation, and that my kicking was just giving everyone else something to watch... so I purposely went limp in hopes they would think I was dead and let me down before I managed to get all dead.
I didn't pass out, but I came damn close. Finally, one of the guys figured oh, crap, we killed him, and untied the rope. I fell like a sack of wet flour and took several more minutes to get my breath enough to get up.
The only ill effects once I caught my breath was a very sore, red, irritated neck from the rope. I told the adults that I had gotten into some poison oak, which resulted in a good deal of calomine lotion being applied to a rope burn. True, it didn't exactly look exactly like poison ivy, but what adult is going to think 12 year old kids are trying to hang each other? No one was going to rat anyone out for what happened, either, since they had all just witnessed me hung for the fun of it! No, no scar, but then again I don't scar easily anyway. I never even thought about the possibility of it leaving a scar or why it didn't.
That little episode did serve to enhance that reputation of being tough as nails, though... now, I want everyone to realize: this happened in what I like to lovingly refer to as "the good ol' days"!!!
Sorry @IAMTAT... you lose this one.
The Lie:
Now the lie: I did design a Battlebot, specifically to take out Tombstone. It was a horizontal spinner on a spring-loaded platform with both cutting teeth and angled blades around the edge of the spinner. I did assemble a team: myself, two other engineering students from my college, a friend who was good at driving remote control cars, and my son who was a CNC machinist. We were all ready to go to work on it, but we couldn't locate enough sponsors to be able to afford the Battlebot, much less to make the trips to compete. So the idea died on the vine. "Redneck's Revenge" was never built, and thus was never entered into competition.
Congratulations to our new champion, @Ahabstar!
TheRedneck