I hate you... You Parasite

[Rodinus]

Greetings folks.

I thought I would share with you all a thread I wrote many moons ago on another forum "cough cough" .

Some of you here may have already read it but for those who haven't...

Certain phrases and words have been changed to protect the guilty.

Enjoy :

We currently have sweltering conditions over here at the moment and the temperature was up to 35°c in the shade yesterday afternoon...

urgghhhhhhhhh... same thing today...

Usually around 09:30 pm I turn off the air conditioning and open the windows but keep the shutters closed so the cooler evening air will circulate through the house leading to a good nights sleep.

Last night Mrs R opened them and them came back downstairs to snuggle up with me on the sofa to watch that pirate "coughs" film that we have been wanting to watch for ages and for which i also profited whilst Mrs R gave my hot and sweaty feet a sensual massage!

Erm, if anyone is interested I have some cheap Maroille cheese for sale...

Around 11pm we both went upstairs and went through the usual routine of brushing our teeth, having a shower, inspecting faces for wrinkles, squeezing spots, farting etc etc when i noticed that not only were the windows open but SHOCK HORROR also the shutters....

Without any further ado i closed all the shutters, had a quick look around to check that no nasty beasties had flown or crawled in, jumped into bed, enlaced Mrs R with my strong muscular sinewy arms (ok ok... i exaggerated) and then slowly i fell asleep....


When suddenly out of the blue (or black as it was nightime) the most horrendous noise in the world came to my ear :



With a back-hander to my left ear which left me with ringing bells for a couple of seconds, i jumped out of bed and turned all the lights on to see what was flying away from me at such high speed?

And that was when i went into my full total mozzie frenzy... :



"Hummppff grummpppff wassup" groaned Mrs R groggily as i shot across the room, stubbing my little toe off the bedside cabinet and half tripping over the bedroom rug almost knocking myself sensless on the shower screen..




"Nothing's the farking matter darling, there is an effing mosquito in the effing bedroom thats all... Go back to sleep!" I riposted as i began to see the "red mist" commonly known as Mosquito kill syndrome well up before my eyes... 




BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE : 



Around the room i limped (not forgetting i had a stubbed toe)... bumping into the exercise bike that we bought 10 years ago and never used and giving my funny bone a good smack at the same time off the handle bars... (Note to oneself "put exercise bike on Ebay").

MURDER WAS ON MY MIND...

I chased the bastard thing out of the bedroom and into the bathroom where i stubbed my other little toe on the side of the bath... "whoops how unfortunate" Mrs R giggled from the bedroom...

Nothing came to mind when I heard her comment of course!  "coughs again":



Only making the red mist turn to a rather deeper crimson colour... "i think you should refrain from commenting right now dear" I responded as quietly as possible in order to not wake my son up in his adjacent bedroom (i don't know why though, as i could hear him quietly guffawing under his sheets at my pain and misfortune (i have no idea where he gets that from?)), not knowing which foot to clutch in agonizing pain as i hopped out of the bedroom and slowly down the stairs after the buzzing twat!

I mumbled many culturally rich words and curses as i grabbed a dishcloth off the wall and ran around the kitchen and dining room after the little bar steward :




Whilst i was running around stark naked in my mozzie frenzy, jumping over the sofa whacking away like a nutter as the mosquito flitted to the left and right half knocking plants and ornaments over i did not hear or notice Mrs R quietly plodding down the stairs with the can of "Catch" clutched in her hand.

"Pshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh "

I heard from behind me...

"Bloody hell" i exclaimed quietly "a whole tribe of them are atacking me now"!?...

Only to turn around and see Mrs R holding the can with that pretty little smile that says everything for a woman to her man in times of great strife such as this!

DOOOOOORK!

I said nothing... i turned my head and witnessed the mosquito tumble in slow motion like a shot down Messerschmitt over the British channel until it hit the floor (not even with a sickening thud which i would have loved!) to which i promptly brought up my injured left foot and squished him right into the floor... DEAD... NADA... NO MORE... hehe i was a happy man once again...



"Ewwwweeee don't do that it's disgusting" Mrs R had to jab at me...

"No comment and thank you for your help" i grumbled with a low voice as i sulkily (pride was hurt) but valiantly limped back upstairs as a manly man does after stubbing his toes in order to save the world and threw myself under the covers...

The rest of the night was spent with my head under the sheets... leading to an extremely bad nights sleep because i was too hot and fearing for that dreaded whiny buzzing sound (Whilst Mrs R heartily snored away of course!!!) which meant that this morning i felt like this :



Ever since that dreaded day about 15 years ago when i was stuck in a lift alone with a mosquito who i chased around the lift until it landed on the mirror and i tried to kill it with one of my fingers leading to a double fracture of my index finger have i had this very deep and meaningful hate for these critters...

Well tonight stuff it, all the windows are staying closed...

Kindest respects

Rodinus