My Crummy Laptop Is Dying

[Snarl]

Thank you. There very few things I hate as much as spending money.

As a 'retired IT professional' it sounds like:

1. Do what @"Ninurta" suggested: Blow that sucker clear of all the dust that's collected over time.  If you don't have a compressed air tank (not that shitty canned air stuff ... I'm talking a SCUBA tank) with a hose & fitting that lets you direct the air ... or ... if you won't disassemble the laptop to the point where you can direct that compressed air across the internals (directly) ...
2. You're buying a new machine.

Avoid buying a laptop unless you absolutely must have that portability.  It's usually heat that seals a laptop's fate.  Most home-users regret ever trying to open the cases of their laptops, BTW.  You'd be amazed by how much 'invisible' dust accumulates in your electronics.  You put that compressed air on someone's motherboard and a literal cloud of dust fills the air ... so be outside if you try this.