F#$% this S@#$: Return of the Prime Minister (P2 RoaFW)

[Armonica_Templar]

Years ago

"It is not Funny.. You are dressed like a prostitute Theon.. Trying to find a lucky fellow.."

"Robb.." Theon snorts, "Your first night in the club and you cant even get a girl to go home with you.. Uncle Ned must be proud.. At this rate he will be a grand father oh.. In about three hundred years.."

 "Your are dressed a little bit fancy Theon," Eddard Stark chuckles as a waitress brings drinks.. "Dressed like that.. Robb is right are you looking to bring home a man?"

Downing a drink, "Is that a challenge?"

Catelyn is eyeing several young women, "You brought me to a brothel.. This music is way to loud.."

"Auntie Catelyn.. Better profit margin when the food and beer is added in.. Plus we own the hotels next door.. Trust me.. This place has not been empty," Theon takes another Drink..  "Ah.. F#$% it.. Auntie Catelyn.. Pick any woman in the bar.."

Eddard Stark laughs, "My son Robb is a Stark.. Heir to my throne and he.."

"That one," Catelyn drinks a red drink.. "The one that has had fun shooting down all the men hitting on her.."

"Good one mother.. " Robb Stark Laughs, "Do you want me to help you pretty boy? You got your nails painted, shaved like a woman, took a two hour bath, and put on lotion."

Jon came back up, "This is humbling.. I have been laughed at three times.."

With his weird looking Jacket  with a sash Theon smiled, "The one out of place in the black dress.. Longer nose.." Downing his drink, "Take notes Uncle Ned.. Robb.. Auntie Catelyn I might bring her to my room.."

Catelyn Stark laughs, "Yeah right.." Seeing Theon looking at her, "Sure.. I wont object if you can get the one in the black dress.." Catelyn laughs as a drunk man is slapped down by the girl in the black dress, "Safest promise I ever made.. You may use the room you helped me rebuild for guest Theon.."

Theon Bows taking Catelyn's hand, "My Queen.." Theon kisses between her fingers..

After blushing she slaps Theon loudly, "I am a married woman.. My husband is right.." She notices several people staring..

Theon smiles and takes out a gold coin tossing it to Eddard Stark.. Loudly, "Lord Twin just wanted me to test your wifes loyalty.. He thought her being ten years your junior made her vurnable.. Again.. Please forgive this Prefect Creel.. May I now go mingle My lord.. I am supposed to report on the feasibility of this type of facility to the Merchants guild in .."

Laughing and having to hide his face, Eddard stark waves off Theon.. "Go mingle Prefect Creel.."

Catelyn Stark is blushing, "Eddard.." Ned Stark whispers something to Catelyn making her eyes go wide, "You.. You old beast.."

The two kiss making Robb roll his eyes..

Whispering in her ears, "After Theon fails miserably.. " Ned Stark whispers something, "And.."

Catelyn bites her bottom lip, "You are trying to give them more siblings.."

Jon and Robb watch as Theon goes out near the woman in the black dress.

"He is not talking to the right one.." Robb Stark is confused, "He.."

Ned Stark taps his son to move to the side, "Are you seeing this.."

"You two turn around.. Let me know when Theon fails.." Catelyn turns Ned's head, "He does not matter.. Keep telling me what you intend to do when we get home.."

"I am just a lowly Prefect.. A guest of house stark.." Jon and Robb are listening to Theon.. "Ok.. Gossip.. I heard the Queen dies her pubes blue.. The king likes to part the great waters.."


Jon and Robb are wide eyed as they are listening..

He ignores the woman in the black dress after a few more comments.. "My nails.. You cant laugh.. Princess Sansa needed and Princess Ayra needed someone to practice on.."

"So you are just a low level servant.. Who has been passed to house stark like a little B#$%^," The woman in the black dress cracks a joke..

Speaking with a red headed girl, "Is she always like this.. Pardon me my liege.." Theon mockingly bows to the woman, "Tis a knghts duty to set an example for young ladies.. Soon enough they will find out men are jack A$$es.." Snapping his fingers like a gay guy, "Besides .." Playfully hitting her on the arm then wiggling his fingers, "I think it is important that little ladies develop confidence.."

"I have met plenty of sailor like you.. My father is one.." The woman in the black dress shakes her head, "You have to do better then that.."

The red head grabbed Theon, "We do not know her.. We just met her.."

The woman in the black dress got a pissed off look on her face..

A very big man walked over to the red headed girl, "Hey Daria.. Why are you talking to these losers?"

"Great.. Theon would get int trouble," Robb shakes his head.. Robb is surprised to get the kill signal from Theon..

The two watch in confusion as Theon backhands the thug.. Eddard Stark stands..

Theon takes off his coat handing it to the woman in the black dress," Now good Sir.." The big man growls, "I challenged you to a duel big man.. I ask you to choose the house rules you wish to follow for this duel.."

"Duel..I," theon slaps the big man again..

"Big man.. I am required as the Personal Prefect of the queen.. Cersei to follow the rules.. If I kill you without following them I will be beaten," Theon's tone is droning on for a minute.. "I am also required to follow my mother's houses dueling rule.. She is lover of King Martel.." 

Eddard Stark roles his eyes as Catelyn stands to watch..

"First I am Required to buy you and your friends  a drink," theon Stumbles and the lady in the black dress catches him.. "Me thinks my lady.. Drinks on me for this man and his three friends.."

The big man is pissed, "That is not a tradition.."

One of his friends takes  four of the drinks as the waitress brings out five..

"Actually.. Someone from the house of Martell was in here a few nights ago," The friend spoke.. "They were partying hard.. Free drinks.."

"First to my host lord stark," Theon bows as he yells.. "And his much younger wife.. You old dog.." Theon raises his glass and waits, "Big man.. You have to say the rest of the toast.. Then we break bread.."

Embarassed, "I.. Uhm.. To .. Your Liege.. I.."

The friends and the big man down the drink..

"Really," theon gets pissed as he looks at the big man.. "You GOD D@#$ idiot.. Waitress.. Five more drinks. Bring a small piece of .. Of fat from the grill..."

Several people chuckle as Theon holds up four fingers..

The woman in a black dress smiles and brings out four more drinks and the food on the plate.. 

"Is the woman in the black dress smiling," Catelyn stark was surprised?

The whole scene is repeated again and again for the next ten rounds.. Each time four more drinks are brought out and four bites of food..

"Theon is cheating.. he is not drinking his," Robb stark chuckles.. "He is getting them drunk.."

The Bigman is quiet drunk, "Lord stark.. You.. your are the best.. Bestest man.. Long live.. Live the husband of a pretty.. Pretty lady.."

The three other Drunk men repeat it swaying and blinking.. 

The Big man drinks his drink as his buddies stumble..

The big man turns green.. "I Love you Daria and.. I want.. " 

Whispering as he reaches for his jacket, "We have lift off in .. Three.. Two.."

Uncontrolably the big man pukes on Daria.. Making several of the other friends turn green.. 

"Ewe.. Eddard it is time we left.. " Catelyn looks away, "One of you go get Theon we.."

"Mother," Robb is looking at Theon..

Eddard Stark laughs, "Catelyn.. you spoke to soon my queen.."

"What.. It is over Theon," Catelyn turns around and sees the woman in the black dress kissing Theon.. "I.."

Jon is scratching his head," She.. He said he was just a prefect.. What ever that is.."

After the kiss breaks, "Listen.. I.." 

Theon kisses the woman in the black dress on the neck, "Names are not important.. I.. I dont normally do this.. Do.. Do you.."

The woman in black dress kisses Theon again, "I havent got a room yet.. We can rent one if you want.. "

Theon kisses her again, "You smell good.. You .. I.."

She puts her finger on his lips, "Lets go before I change my mind.."

Taking off a cloth belt," I have a carriage outside.. If you are willing to let me cover your eyes I will.." 

The woman kisses Theon, "God this is stupid.. "

"She is definately not a lady," Catelyn Stark shakes her head.." I wonder where they are going?"

"To the guest room probably," Eddard starks shakes his head as Theon gives them a one finger salute.. "Balon's son indeed.."

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Martell stood on the dock watching with Cersei and Ellaria as Theon was pissed off..

"We executed the contract as ordered," The man poked Theon in the chest.. "You think we are afraid of you.. You sit on the dock by our ship with out guards.."

Theon turned his head with his eyes close, "It was for undamaged..

Euron and Oberyn looked at each other.. Martell drew his blade as did Euron..

Yara and Joral draw their blades as Myrcella pulls both boys behind her..

"Ygritte, Ros, Talisa, Shireen, Ayra, " Theon Addresses several of the ones on the deck of the ship.. "Please go with Aeron and Melisandre to Lord Martell.. As for you Cersei.. Thank you for bribing the Captain of this ship.. I needed an excuse to kill him."

One of the Deck hands freezes, "You.. Uncle Theon How can you tell?"

"Littleone. Ayra... Uncle Armon has been blessed with second sight," Theon is shoved back by the Slaver Captain.. "You are challenging me.. My not Uncle's wife you are blocking from meeting her betrothed.."

"Please.. You are weak," The Slaver Captain circles Not Theon.. Drawing his blade, "I will."

Theon claps his hand as he goes into a tiger stance.. Everyone freezes as a green flames comes from Not Theon's hands.

The Slaver Captain comes at Theon as he dodges.. Catching the slavers arm and breaking it, Green flames rise from the burning Arm..

Theon kicks the Captain down as the Slaver tries to grab his blade with his not broken burning hand.. Theon Jumps on his back and grabs his face as the smell of burning flesh fills the air..

Remus and Armon both look forward not hiding their gaze..

The Slaver Captain scream as he inhales the green flames.. Theon waits till the man stops moving and stands back.. He utters a few words and slams a fist into his palm.. The green flame disappears from his hands as the slaver's body is burning..

The crew of the slaver ship are frozen in place, "Now.. Uncle Aeron.. Please remove my people from the boat.."

Martell, Euron, Yara, Myrcella, Cersei, Ellaria, and everyone else is silent..

Taking the red witches arm, "After you ladies.."

The slavers just stand their as a few move out of the way..

"Uncle Euron.. I .. I will kill the crew.." Theon snaps his finger and a little spark of green flame comes out theons finger tips, "I have taken my people back in the Ancient tradition of the drowned god.. How ever.. Someone must steal the crews loyalty.."


Euron shakes off his amazement at the apparent use of Magic by his nephew.. He immediately move to the edge of the dock sheathing his sword.. He lands on the side of the plank and then launches himself onto the rails.. Euron then clears the rails and is on the deck, "I see my new crew has met my nephew.." Drawing his blade, "I claim this Ship for my bride to be.. As a wedding gift.."

Several move to kill Euron.. Martell watches as Euron disposes of several attackers..

Aeron walks over to Martell, "Prince Martell it is an honor.."

Euron wipes the blood off his sword on a dead body, "I claim this ship as mine.. Take down your flag.. I will have mine.."

A member of the merchants guild walks up, "King Euron.. Your flag.."

Everyone looks at Theon again..

Glaring at Melisandre Theon walks over to Shireen who is scared, "My lord.."

Going to his knee as the green flames has disappeared from his hand, "I see the greyscale.." Gently he touches the side of her face, "My lady Baratheon.. We must treat it.. so you may grow stronger.." Looking at Melisandre, "We do not sacrifice children .."

"You.. You can cure me," Shireen has a tear fall.. "Lord Greyjoy.."

Another Scream fills the air making Martell smile, "Ser Clegane?"

"As I said my loyal ally.. Do you know how It was hard to find a gay or bisexual Giant," Theon smiles evilly as he puts his hands two feet apart.. "Every time Ser Clegane tries to escape.."

Oberyn is quiet for a moment and then bows, "Of course MY loyal ally.. Will you show me this.. This very wonderful thing?"

"My father traded.." Cersei looks at Martell, "Remember you are allied with the Iron Throne.."

"Oberyn," Theon hands Shireen to Ellaira. "You will of course take custody of him.. I am close to breaking the law.. You will need to sign off on the request for transfer of the prisoner.. For crimes against the House Martell..  Also,The merchants guild wishes to negotiate for more access.."

Turning to one of his entourage, "Arrange a meeting with the local Merchants guild.. Bring me the papers I am required to sign.. Your local authorities will have all the papers they wish.. " Oberyn coldly speaks, "As for serving the crown.. Trade deals are separate Queen mother... If the good people wish for more trade, I think I can pull a few strings. Especially for an honest people catching a man wanted in Dorne for multiple Crimes.."

"And you ordered this treatment of YOUR prisoner," theon spoke quickly.. A contingent of people were walking up,"Oh. And thank you for bringing lady Baratheon to New Essos for treatment."

"Lord Theon Greyjoy.." A woman with the group appraoched.. As another weaker scream filled the area, "This is against our.."

"Madam Mayor," theon looked at Martel..

"Thank you for holding the criminal in Dornes new temporary embassy.."Oberyn flashed his smile.. "Madam Mayor," Martell took the female mayors hand.. "While flowers, roses, and money are known aphrodesiacs.. You wear power with a grace quiet rare in other rulers.."

The mayor blushes as Oberyn kisses her hand, "I.. I.."

"This foul criminal Raped my sister and killed her and her children.." Martell  spoke as he still held the mayors hand, "I apologize for the brutality you must witness. A lady such as yourself deserves much better.."

"Madam Mayor," One of the men tries to speak..

"Shut the F#$% up thatcher," The Mayor is smiling like a school girl.. Looking in Oberyn's eyes, "You lie so prettily.. Normally one files the paperwork before.."

"My lady..  Let me treat you to dinner.. And your citymen.. I have delivered Lady Baratheon for treatment to Castle Stewart.. "

"Madam Mayor.. We know Lord Greyjoy hired slavers to.." Thatcher paused as Euron landed back on the dock, "Your.."

"I see no slaver ship.." Euron points to the flag,"That is MY vessal.."

Sheathing his sword Euron walks over to Cersei..

"I," Cersei looks at Theon.. "Have not.."

Theon raises his hand making the green flame raise from his hand, Cersei calmly walks trying not to shake.. "Euron.. " She takes his arm, "You nephew has.."

"Auntie slash Ex-mother in law.. So we are clear.. Mark these words in stone.." Theon raises his voice, "I have virtually zero interest in the Iron Thron, the Iron Islands or Your daughter's Prime Ministership.. I take the first one that tries to drag me back in.."