Those kind of "friends"

[Freija]

I can relate to your quandary. Something that men do not understand is that women require the company of at least one other woman and that we will often let a lot of things slide (after a long cooling down period, of course) because we NEED the type of bond we can only get from another woman. There are things that men just cannot understand or even come close to relating to, and while a lot of times female friendships really suck there is a lot to be said for the old adage "Any port in a storm".

Thank you for this. I found your thoughts helpful and comforting.

… I really don't have much in common with the women in my area. Imagine being a country girl thrown into a city life- not exactly conducive to commonalities. I am not a girly girl, I don't fret over my hair, nails and make-up, I couldn't care less about shopping or bar scenes or fashion.

Yes, I have and continue to have this problem too in some ways. I am a girly girl that does do the hair, nails and makeup thing that does like to get purdied up and go out on Friday or Saturday night for drinks and socialization and so is my friend so we have that in common and in sort of the birds of a feather way, other women that present themselves in the same way tend to flock together or attract others at the same level (when not being catty or jealous) but I’ve found I often have little in common with them when it comes right down to it and one reason why making women friends has been difficult. I won’t even bring age into the picture because that brings in another whole set of complications. I don’t look, act or think like most other grandmas.

My mom was raised on a farm in a family with five sisters and no brothers and as such, she learned many skills and a sense of do anything independence most would consider atypical for a girl that was handed down to me growing up in addition to all the typical mostly domestic skills most girls are taught. I can use a hammer and a saw, make things and fix things and kill a spider if I need to and cook up a feast and after being married to a mechanic for twelve years, change the oil and spark plugs in the 39 year old car I’ve managed to keep running stepping well outside the boundaries of the typical girly girl paradigm that I often see as clueless helplessness with a dependence on men that I’d rather not be subject to which tends to set me apart when trying to see myself in other women.

Many of these traits I’ve also passed down to my own daughter (age 47). She can turn a wrench, pound a nail, ride a motorcycle and is a strong independent woman with a double blackbelt in Taekwondo that can take care of herself but she has eschewed the stereotypical trappings of femininity and wouldn’t wear makeup or have long hair if somebody paid her and she has no problems making female friends of the same type so I suppose if I tried to make friends outside of the feminine esthetic I seem to be married to, I would have better luck but then they can’t relate to me because of my appearance.

I had to make a whole lot of allowances to make a few female friends, learning to have limited tolerance for some things that I never would have tolerated before. It is just what I have to do. Women need the company of other women, almost a physical need as much as an emotional need.

Indeed. These compromises are exactly how I’ve managed to be friends with the woman I’ve been talking about. We come from different worlds and different backgrounds but you are absolutely right about need for the company of other women as there are so many things that men just don’t get or understand that only another woman does.

... any port in a storm.

Again, thank you. This helps me understand my own motivations and behaviors a little better and why I’ve let my crazy drama filled friend become so ingrained in my life. As much trouble and bother as she is and how different we are as people and even though I’ve tried to distance myself from her several times, the bond and closeness we have is not something I want to give up even with all its shortcomings. Writing/talking about all this has brought me some clarity and I really appreciate the dialog.

With a clearer head, gonna get myself cleaned up and go hang out with my boys at the bar tonight. I do have man friends but either them or me usually have ulterior motives, if you catch my drift? LOL!