Those kind of "friends"

[Freija]

That's a complicated friendship. Ask yourself, what has she ever done for you? Sometimes you need to cut people out of your life to save your sanity. Put yourself first.

Indeed it is and I’ve tried several times to cut her out of my life and it has worked for a while but she has always managed to find a way to work back in but when it comes right down to it, I am the fool that lets her.

I’ve actually pondered over this for the last several years and tried to find reasons and justification for my own motivations and lack of backbone and have come up with a few things. Making new adult friendships that do have any substance or intimacy is damned hard and if I was her age there would probably be rivalry or competitiveness and jealousy between us so in some respects, I feel kind of fortunate that we’re friends at all as with me being the archetypical loner type, I suck at being friends or letting anyone through the lofty walls constructed around my psyche she has managed to penetrate. Sometimes having imperfect relationships is better than having none or at least that’s what I’ve told myself.

In a perfect world things would be better but life isn’t perfect and sometimes reduced expectations of others is the only way, for me at least, to have anyone else in my life at all. This is not a lack of self esteem on my part, I have pretty high standards but have realized over time, often the hard way, that accepting people with all their faults and inadequacies is the only real way to make a connection and lard knows I’m not the most perfect person either. It’s not like I’m going to run out and bond with someone overnight in a way that compares with the nearly five years of her and I knowing one another.

As to the question what has she done for me… other than being amusing, making me laugh, being a safe pal to get drunk with or to cry with and not feel alone, not much really but to me, judging a friendship solely by what I get out of it seems kind of juvenile and selfish. I am the stronger broad shouldered person and she does appreciate my non-judgmental advice and counsel and having someone she can let her hair down with so I guess being that person and a mentor of sort for her is also something I do get out of it even if things seem unbalanced. Also as I mentioned above, I think maternal instincts and that aspect of our dynamic has something to do with it which only makes things more complicated.

Long story and not by blood of course but I’m mom to a daughter eight years older than her and I try to imagine where I’d be with things or what I would be doing if my kid was as unstable and the emotional mess my drama filled friend is. I know friends are not the same as family but I would probably be putting myself out or my feelings second if I thought it would help and I think that’s what I’m doing with my friend to some degree?

Who knows? The last three months we haven’t been speaking initially found me missing her but more recently feeling free from getting involved in all her shit and being happy that I wasn’t thinking about her all the time. Now that there’s the possibility she might be living with me having nowhere else to go, all my questioning and everything else starts all over again. Is having someone I can figuratively let my hair down with that keeps me company enough? I guess I will find out?