Those kind of "friends"

[kdog]

I have one of “those” friends but I think of her more as a non-friend friend as I’ve tried getting her out of my life several times but she keeps coming back like a recurrent rash. We’re now in another one of these uncertain coming after going cycles and it is driving me nuts.

I met her at the dive bar/heart of my social life where I’m a regular patron about four or five years ago. She’s 39 and I’ll be 67 at the beginning of January so on some levels, we have kind of a big sister/maternal figure dynamic but it is a lot more complicated than that.

I don’t make friends easily. I am a high IQ only child and basically an introvert with a totally unusual situation growing up disallowing me from most regular childhood and teenage experiences and normal socialization so I find those who were “normal” curiosities. She is the complete opposite and I find that interesting… Basically a WASP princess given everything in life, a outgoing social butterfly, captain of the high school cheerleading squad and former Cardinals cheerleader professionally, a “Daddy’s little girl” and as far as I’m concerned, lacking in life experience and emotionally immature who’s going to be in a world of hurt when she can’t get by on her looks anymore.

We still hit it off though. We both like to party and like music and at the bar mostly dominated by men, having another girl at your back as a wingmam initially bonded us. Something about her fascinated me. Maybe it was the naiveté of living a sheltered whitebread life I could only imagine, her psychological processes, the underlying masculinity of her hyper-feminine persona or her ability to attract hoards of male attention? She’s really pretty and a fun person to be around but is also superficial and lacking depth and when it does come to men, driven by her libido and dumb as a rock.

We started to become close about three years ago when against my warnings to both of them, she started dating one of my best guy friends that ultimately ended in the disaster I predicted it would be. She was at my house constantly crying on my shoulders and seeking my advice and counsel sleeping on my couch sometimes two, three or four days in a row and this went on for months so I really got to know her but we had some major and serious differences when it came to political leanings that continue to cause quite a row whenever we venture into that territory or overstep boundaries.

On one occasion after a night at the bar where I couldn’t believe the stupid shit coming out of her mouth, we had a monstrous fight where I called her a racist, bigoted and homophobic idiot and I angrily told her to get the fuck out of my car leaving her stranded on a street corner to walk home at 3:00 AM resulting in us not talking to each other for four months but inevitably over time, we both missed one another and encouraged by mutual friends, tentatively began talking again.

It wasn’t until shortly after then I told her of my transsexual history as a make or break way of adding depth to our friendship as this isn’t something I usually share with others but I wanted her to know some of her words and attitudes were troubling and wouldn’t be tolerated if we were to be friends going forward and let’s just say she got the message and it did bring us closer and as she’s a person that never stops talking and I already knew all her secrets and insecurities, it leveled the playing field so to speak.

For one reason or another we were on the outs again when Covid hit and being a work from home single person, I completely isolated myself from the outside world but she was going through yet another breakup and needed someone to cry to so I eventually let her back in as the only person in my bubble as I’m a sap and felt sorry for her and was lonely even though I had begun to get the feeling she was using me for support and comfort only when it was convenient. Being the older, wiser and more mature of the two, I let this happen feeling it did give me the sense of being needed and without having any other friends I’m as close to, it gave me a sense of intimacy sorely lacking in my life so we started hanging out again with her staying with me often.

Three or four months ago with her having yet another new beau she had moved in with, they were at my house for a night of food, shrooms, drinking and loud music when she got the ridiculous impression I was hitting on her boyfriend and they left in a huff after tense words were exchanged. I wrote her a letter telling her she was all too much for me and I wanted her and all her crazy constant drama out of my life and to leave me the hell alone. She obliged and we stopped communicating entirely until last week when guess what? She called me at 1:30 AM in tears and asked if I could come and get her because she broke up with yet another boyfriend. I was perturbed but not oblivious to a woman in distress so I went and got her.

Now she wants to know if she can stay with me for a few months? She’s got balls, I’ll give her that and I have to give her some credit for continually trying to be my friend every time I’ve blown her off but on the other hand, there’s always been something in it for her.

Adding to the complications of my friendship with her, I can’t say my feelings are entirely untinged by desire of some sort that I can’t really define that make me cave in when I should be strong. It’s one of those love/hate relationship kind of things. I’m not interested in her in a sexual way or anything but admit some additional degree of physical closeness tied into the emotional connection we have is something I think about as that is the only thing really lacking in my life and in spite of our ideological differences, emotionally there is no one else I am as close to as her as the guy I’ve been basically after for the last four years is emotionally unavailable and not interested in a relationship even though we see each other and hang out together at least once a week.

It seems nothing is ever simple? If I let her stay with me and end up feeling used or we end up at each other’s throat again, it will be the last time that’s for sure. My patience, kindness and generosity have been tested. This could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back but only time will tell? Her unpredictability is never ending as it seems is my gullibility for her neediness.

Damn. I feel pathetic sometimes.

That's a complicated friendship. Ask yourself, what has she ever done for you? Sometimes you need to cut people out of your life to save your sanity. Put yourself first.