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+--- Thread: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! (/thread-4618.html)
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Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - gordi - 06-14-2019
It’s a 10 minute walk from my house to the pub,
but a 30 minute walk back from the same pub.
The difference is simply staggering !
.
My Grandad always said, “as one door closes, another opens”,
lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
.
I got a rejection letter from the origami university today,
I’m not sure what to make of it.
,
When Earl Tupper (inventor of Tupperware) died,
his funeral was held up as they couldn't find the right lid for his coffin.
.
The USA should ban grated cheese,
that would make America grate again!
.
It's so annoying when people get their sayings wrong.
After all, it's not exactly rocket salad!
.
I bought a dog from our local blacksmiths,
as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
.
My Grandad was a dyslexic baker in the army,
he used to go in all buns glazing.
NEXT? LOL
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - Wallfire - 06-14-2019
Love it
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - BIAD - 06-14-2019
I'm sat alone upstairs on my ancient computer making banners.
And giggling!!! Fantastic!!!
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - guohua - 06-14-2019
OKay, Okay, Okay,,,, I Give Up,,,, "comeon,,,, stop laughing,,, my sides hurt"
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - gordi - 03-26-2022
I'm unashamedly bumping this thread, as it had me in tears, snot and giggles... AGAIN this morning.
Who couldn't do with more giggles right??
OK - who's got some more?????
BigG
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - Rodinus - 03-26-2022
Helmet cameras...
Great view for watching F1 racing.
Not so good for gay porn I guess !
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - xuenchen - 03-26-2022
If money doesn't grow on trees,
why do banks have so many branches?
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - Rodinus - 03-26-2022
What the Fuck is he talking about ?
-Shakespears parents-
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - beez - 03-26-2022
I once fell into an upholstery machine, but it's okay.
I completely recovered.
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - NoAngels - 03-26-2022
Nice one Gordi
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - hounddoghowlie - 03-26-2022
Why does a dog lick his nuts? Because he can.
As is it Rodinus would say i'll show myself out, or is it Bally that says that.
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - hounddoghowlie - 03-26-2022
Here's a couple of if one liners i've known for a while,
If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass when he hopped.
If a bird could fire a .45 the birds wouldn't fuck with him.
Read this one the other day,
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - NoAngels - 03-26-2022
When life give you melons, you may also be a Melon farmer
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - Rodinus - 03-26-2022
(03-26-2022, 03:52 PM)NoAngels Wrote: When life give you melons, you may also be a Melon farmer
Or just have big tits...
Okay okay, I know where my coat is...
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - Snarl - 03-26-2022
(06-14-2019, 09:49 AM)gordi Wrote: NEXT? LOL
Two blondes walk into a bar.
You’d think at least the second one would have the sense to duck.
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - hounddoghowlie - 03-26-2022
what did the left nut say to the right nut? lets beat our meat.
People say money talks, it's true, mine always say's goodbye.
I've never seen a slow deaf child any where on the road where they post the signs?
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - hounddoghowlie - 03-26-2022
Lone Ranger: Tonto My Guns, Tonto: Get Your Own Fucking Guns
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - yuppa - 03-26-2022
Wayfare has just what I need,but not what I can afford!!
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - EndtheMadnessNow - 03-27-2022
"The world is a beautiful place ...if you don't mind a touch of hell now and then."
― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
"If God doesn't soon bring judgment upon America, He'll have to go back and apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah!"
― Billy Graham (actually his wife Ruth first said it in 1965)
NASTY = TANSY
The word "tansy" is derived from Greek word "Athanaton" which means "immortal".
NASTY = National Association of Spies, Traitors, and Yahoos. (Credit)
RE: Some One-Liners to Brighten your day! - LightSpeedDriver - 03-27-2022
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went down hill fast.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's giving me lately.
Noah's diary: "Day 35: Unicorn pie is really delicious!"
All of the above were found on the interwebz but hopefully that doesn't detract from the humour.
The only one I can remember from years ago that I cannot forget is:
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.