Thread Rating:
  • 1 Vote(s) - 5 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
My struggle with depression
#1
Hey everyone! I see so many that are going through tough times. 2020 is a total clusterfuck. I try to pray for everyone that I see a post they are struggling with something. Having said that, I absolutely hate the phrase “we’re all in this together”. That just makes me wanna puke. Mainly because we all fight our own individual battles. To think we’re all in some army or something just seems off in some way. It just may be my cynicism. 

I think of you all and think of you all as my own little dysfunctional family. We probably don’t agree at all on most things, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have each other’s back. My battle at this point in my life is struggling with chronic depression. I’ve been on meds since 2018, so that is helping me a little. But I continue to wrestle some days with feelings of depression, anger, guilt and worthlessness. I still feel I have failed the man I love more than anyone in my life, my husband of 28 years. I couldn’t see what was happening to him, and in the end, I wasn’t able to give him the care he so badly needed. So the nursing home is doing what I was never able to do. 

And with more staff members at his nursing home testing positive for COVID-19, his unit seems to be on an endless quarantine. No window visits or outdoor visits until at least 10/2. I Facetime with him, but it’s not the same, and it’s starting to take a serious toll on my mental health. I’m so worried about his mental health too. And I’m powerless to do anything about it. That just kills me, because I’m such a damn control freak. 

So today, I went out to lunch. As I observed all the tables that had been removed to have the right social distancing, and a man having to constantly clean and sanitize everything, I started feeling like I’m in some bad sci if type movie regarding a pandemic where everyone is angry and helpless. It just seemed surreal. But in a movie, there is a hero that sweeps in and saves the day. That is not the current reality though. I feel like I’m sinking into an abyss, quicksand from which there is no escape. I started to cry, trying to muffle my sobs so nobody would stare at and judge me. Then I felt really angry. How could God watch us all suffer like this and turn His back on us? I tried to get that out of my mind. 

Then I went shopping and probably spent more money than I should have. But it made me feel better. I am trying my best not to give in to anger and despair. But I’m floundering. I musn’t give up. I think most people with depression have thoughts like this. I’m looking into talking to a professional about my feelings. I don’t want this to get to the point where I start thinking about killing myself. Been there, done that, and it sucks. So that’s why I’m pouring my heart out. When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.
[Image: attachment.php?aid=8180]
#2
Hang on there ma'am.

And in all honesty?

We're all a little fucked up this year.

You're not alone.

tinywondering
"I be ridin' they be hatin'."
-Abraham Lincoln
#3
Echoing @"beez" hang in there Lady! the World is a mess right now, and we all have those personal battles on top, it's exhausting! I've long battled with the depths that Depression and anxiety can take you! and I know that support is everything! The good thing is you will get nothing but support from us here! and we have your back should you need us!
I was born with a Thorn in my Soul, sometimes it hurts.


Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.

- Epictetus






#4
@"ChiefD" 

Hang in there baby!
Last fall I was suffering from a pretty bad bout with both depression and anxiety. I didn't want to start taking meds for it so I started going to see a therapist. You would be absolutely amazed at how much it helps just to be able to talk to someone whom has absolutely no judgement of you whatsoever! Sometimes the best thing is to be able to honestly unburden yourself to someone whom you know is not going to tell your business to anyone else, and its even better that they can help you learn coping skills to boot. Give it a try- it can help you a lot more than you think! 
"As an American it's your responsibility to have your own strategic duck stockpile. You can't expect the government to do it for you." - the dork I call one of my mom's other kids
[Image: Tiny-Ducks.jpg]
#5
(09-20-2020, 01:31 AM)ChiefD Wrote: Hey everyone! I see so many that are going through tough times. 2020 is a total clusterfuck. I try to pray for everyone that I see a post they are struggling with something. Having said that, I absolutely hate the phrase “we’re all in this together”. That just makes me wanna puke. Mainly because we all fight our own individual battles. To think we’re all in some army or something just seems off in some way. It just may be my cynicism. 

I think of you all and think of you all as my own little dysfunctional family. We probably don’t agree at all on most things, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have each other’s back. My battle at this point in my life is struggling with chronic depression. I’ve been on meds since 2018, so that is helping me a little. But I continue to wrestle some days with feelings of depression, anger, guilt and worthlessness. I still feel I have failed the man I love more than anyone in my life, my husband of 28 years. I couldn’t see what was happening to him, and in the end, I wasn’t able to give him the care he so badly needed. So the nursing home is doing what I was never able to do. 

And with more staff members at his nursing home testing positive for COVID-19, his unit seems to be on an endless quarantine. No window visits or outdoor visits until at least 10/2. I Facetime with him, but it’s not the same, and it’s starting to take a serious toll on my mental health. I’m so worried about his mental health too. And I’m powerless to do anything about it. That just kills me, because I’m such a damn control freak. 

So today, I went out to lunch. As I observed all the tables that had been removed to have the right social distancing, and a man having to constantly clean and sanitize everything, I started feeling like I’m in some bad sci if type movie regarding a pandemic where everyone is angry and helpless. It just seemed surreal. But in a movie, there is a hero that sweeps in and saves the day. That is not the current reality though. I feel like I’m sinking into an abyss, quicksand from which there is no escape. I started to cry, trying to muffle my sobs so nobody would stare at and judge me. Then I felt really angry. How could God watch us all suffer like this and turn His back on us? I tried to get that out of my mind. 

Then I went shopping and probably spent more money than I should have. But it made me feel better. I am trying my best not to give in to anger and despair. But I’m floundering. I musn’t give up. I think most people with depression have thoughts like this. I’m looking into talking to a professional about my feelings. I don’t want this to get to the point where I start thinking about killing myself. Been there, done that, and it sucks. So that’s why I’m pouring my heart out. When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.

here just watch a couple of these and your problems won't seem near as bad.

#6
You can be sure He looks forward to every minute of FaceTime, and it brings him the guarantee no other person can begin to come close to. These times are difficult for us all, and even more for disabled like us, though I am still at home... 

Do not let the new practices disturb you, instead count yourself afforded a security ahead of the curve, and the measures you might want in place when you do get face to face with your husband.
Your admission of a Creator is good. It is nescessary if you are to have hope. It is said in Corinthians that He will not give you more than you can handle.
We are here, we are always close as I have observed. This will pass one day not to distant from now and normalcy will return, and you will have rode the wave and helped your husband to as well....
#7
@"ChiefD" 


Hello! Your post made me cry but i knew that it would happen, before reading. Don't worry about it, i am emotional and i cry multiple times every single day. I took a moment to catch my breath and now i am here trying to help.

You wrote
Quote:I continue to wrestle some days with feelings of depression, anger, guilt and worthlessness. I still feel I have failed the man I love more than anyone in my life, my husband of 28 years. I couldn’t see what was happening to him, and in the end, I wasn’t able to give him the care he so badly needed. So the nursing home is doing what I was never able to do

You have NOT failed you husband! Maybe you couldn't see what was happening to him, because your mind tried to protect you. You subconsciously knew, but it was too painful for you, and you just were not aware of it fully. I don't know all the details, but a nursing home, with all the trained professionals, without emotions like love involved, can be a better alternative. It must hurt like hell, yes, but for his well being, it might be better. Depression is acceptable and understandable. So is anger. Guilt and worthlessness? not so much... I don't know your past and i refuse to pretend that i do, but regarding this issue, don't feel guilt. Don't mentally beat yourself up. You obviously care about your husband more than anything else, you love him, and that is more than any man could ask or want. Be gentle towards yourself. Worthlessness? NO! First of all, you are a human being, and that alone gives you worth and value. You write in detail and with emotion, you are not hiding, you are not pretending, you are genuine. That is a beautiful thing. It is a thing with worth, and you are a person who has worth. A lot!

You wrote
Quote:So today, I went out to lunch. As I observed all the tables that had been removed to have the right social distancing, and a man having to constantly clean and sanitize everything, I started feeling like I’m in some bad sci if type movie regarding a pandemic where everyone is angry and helpless. It just seemed surreal. But in a movie, there is a hero that sweeps in and saves the day. That is not the current reality though. I feel like I’m sinking into an abyss, quicksand from which there is no escape. I started to cry, trying to muffle my sobs so nobody would stare at and judge me. Then I felt really angry. How could God watch us all suffer like this and turn His back on us? I tried to get that out of my mind.

Yeah, i have used this bad sci fi movie comparison all the time (dystopia, as in future portrayed in a negative manner) I used to love those movies. I haven't watched a single one of those this year, because i am living in one, and there is not even pause or stop buttons. Yes, it seems surreal, but it is real, and very, very hard to accept.

I already told you that you are a human, and that you have value, and you react with emotions. People like that cry sometimes. There is no need to hide it. Before my accident with the bus, when i could go outside, i cried in public often. I just let the tears flow. Sometimes, people stared at me a bit. So what? I much rather cry genuinely than fake a smile.

I am unable to give you any advice regarding God. It is a subject that everyone has to deal within themselves, without an external source of info. My relationship with God has been rotten for months now, and i am working on it, but it doesn't look too good. Maybe God does not see here, maybe God is not here. Maybe planet Earth is controlled and ruled by entirely different entity or entities. Look, i suffer from depression too. Multiple suicide attempts, severe substance abuse in the past, struggling with alcoholism later. Buried almost everyone i have ever loved and cared for. Last new year's eve, when 2019 changed to 2020, i looked up into the dark sky. The blinking stars. Occasional fireworks here and there. I made a wish. From the depths of my heart. "God, make this new year and new decade, be a little bit better for me. If that is out of the question, please make it at least slightly more tolerable"  and what did i get? You already wrote what i got, in the opening sentences of your post. A total clusterfuck. So yeah, i am not praising the grace and everlasting love of God right now. God should understand, and if not, God can go and flush his/her/whatever sadist and psychopathic ass down the toilet right now.

You wrote
Quote:Then I went shopping and probably spent more money than I should have. But it made me feel better.

GOOD! Nothing wrong with that. Yeah things like obsessive shopping and spending so much money that there is not enough of it for necessary things anymore is bad, but if you buy something nice every now and then, and it costs something, it is totally alright and you have earned it!

You wrote
Quote:So that’s why I’m pouring my heart out. When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.


A good and a very healthy approach! Keep doing it! We are here to read, and to help.

I wish all the best for you and your husband!
"Man is fully responsible for his nature and his choices."

-Jean-Paul Sartre
#8
None of us can do it all.  You have done and are doing everything you can for your husband.   We can't control their stupid rules.  (Like how does not having window visits protect anyone?)   Thank heavens for Facetime.   That would make all the difference in the world to me if I were in your husband's shoes.

As for God allowing stuff to get so bad.....I struggle sometimes with that one too.  It's a fallen world.  We're in it.   We won't always be.  Eventually, this hope:
***********************************************
Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
#9
@"ChiefD" 

It has been a very strange year -- the virus on top of the endless political maneuvering.  And you have a huge personal situation to deal with as well.  Not surprised to hear that you feel badly.

For my part, I would advise to go for walks as often as you can.  Moving stimulates blood flow and helps one manage the upwelling of negative emotion.

Be sure to take Vitamin D in the winter months.

And spend time alone in a natural setting speaking to yourself with your mind's voice.  Prayer, meditation, or just self-counseling.  Understand many of the limitations you now face were not your doing and let go any guilt you feel over your husband's situation.  That energy is better channeled as a positive force during your visits with him.

Fair Winds!

Cheers
[Image: 14sigsepia.jpg]

Location: The lost world, Elsewhen
#10
(09-20-2020, 01:31 AM)ChiefD Wrote: Hey everyone! I see so many that are going through tough times. 2020 is a total clusterfuck....
.... When something is bothering me, I try to write about it, all the bad stuff to get it out of my system.

Hi Chief,

Just a great big ((((((((HUG)))))))) for ya.
I'd be more worried about you if you weren't depressed by all of this going on!


We're getting through this.
One way or another, we ARE getting through this.

Once the virus has done its worst and the politicians have nothing left to fuck up...
We'll be looking back at 2020 with a shake of the head and a wry smile.

Keep on keepin' on.

Gx
[Image: CoolForCatzSig.png]
#11
I've had some depressive moods due to all this, seems like I'm pretty much over it now. My biggest deal is trying to get a bunch of stuff done around the house. One thing I wanted to get to was remodeling the kitchen. I've have it planned for a long time, even have a materials list and what it will cost. But I can't get to that major deal until I get a metal shed put up, but I couldn't get that done until I tore down the old shed (a repurposed hen house I made like 15 years ago). Then I have to level that area (just about there).

Plus there is the garden, stacking firewood, regular yard work like mowing the grass, etc. The list only gets bigger, and of course, my pick-up that I need to get materials is on the fritz. My repair guy has done a number of things, all good, but now it's running so badly it can't be driven and I'm quickly running out of funds so that the kitchen may not get done until I find another job. Once I'm back to work, I won't have the time. An endless cycle that puts the brakes on everything I try to get done it seems.

Add on to all that, I have no health insurance, made too much money to get medicaid and can't afford to buy into a policy. I'm not in the best condition for all this hard physical labor after an accident I had 5 years ago, so I have to take it slow to avoid the hospital as that would destroy me financially. In addition, I've developed tennis elbow and have to go even easier so that doesn't get worse and require a doctor or some procedure.

Yeah, this all sucks, but I am not investing too much emotion into it. Not so with my GF. She's in a depressive mood from the slow pace I'm taking along with stupid things like her dog peeing on the rug. This has her crying and going back to bed this morning, won't even talk about it, not like she will listen to me without getting irate and starting an argument anyhow (due to her depressive mood).

All I can do is keep at it, try not to hurt myself and hope I get done before the snow flies. The money will run out soon if I keep giving her money and have to keep paying the bills. God forbid her vehicle needs repairs, that would destroy us. I'm hoping we have at least a few months cash to get by on, at least until the elections are over and we see what shit storm that brings. Not going to get any unemployment as I quit my old job doing custodial work at a local school. I was right though, now that school is back in session for a few weeks, there is a new outbreak in town. I can't afford to get the CORVID and I don't want the complications if I survive coming down with it.

At least the property taxes are paid and I should get a decent tax return. I registered a home business in January and intend on using every deduction I can to get a federal return. Last year the feds charged me two dollars! The state returns were OK though. The propane tank is full and I have enough fire wood for the whole season. In many ways I'm in pretty good shape this winter, she just can't seem to count our blessing like I do though.

Bottom line is we are all having a tough time of it. I can't say what might bring us out of this funk, but I don't see a pretty future on the horizon. Keep on keeping on I guess and hope no major event happens to our perilous situation.
#12
I suggest talking to a therapist. I would forego any more pharmaceuticals he/she might offer. Those things can hurt more than help.

You might be low in certain vitamins. I don't know what meds you take, but some can block the body from getting enough of certain ones. Find a good B vitamin to supplement your diet, not the cheap ones you find on the shelf, but a good one, or even a shot from your doctor. Vitamins that have a thick shell around them can't be absorbed before they flush through the intestines. You may as well pour them down the toilet. You might get 2%, but you need 100%.
B vitamins are known to help with depression; some have called it "the happy vitamin".  The Benefits of Vit B

Also, take extra Vitamin D, especially in the winter. Most people today don't get enough, even from the sun.

Heck, let's just go all the way. tinybiggrin Get a chemistry profile done. It will show which vitamins you are deficient in. You'd be surprised how much this can affect your mood and well being.


Next, put on some "happy music". I'm talking the kind that has a fast beat, something that makes you want to get up and dance (even if you can't).  Music can lift people up like nothing else. It has to do with the frequency of the brain. There are also some You Tube videos that uses the right megahertz to help with depression.  https://youtu.be/3pNpHZ1yv3I

I used to sell Freelife Himalayan Goji Juice. Let me tell you, if there was ever anything to help lift you out of depression, it's this stuff!
I haven't sold it in years, but if you can afford it, order some. It might take two weeks to start to notice the benefits, but you WILL notice. I don't recommend any other brands. They are copycats and don't help as much.

Goji Juice


Okay, that's all I have to offer, except my ear. I'm a good listener.   tinybiggrin
#13
Thank you all so much! Such wonderful replies, advice and support. Just having all my windows open, with all kinds of sunlight streaming in, is such a wonderful remedy for the blues. I’m watching NFL Red Zone, so all the football games are on for me to look at. My brand new vacuum cleaner works very well. I actually cleaned out my dryer vent, and I was amazed at how much it got out of there. I actually had to empty the vacuum canister just from that! I also got a new air fryer, as I anticipate not going out to eat as much since I don’t like to eat indoors. 

I’m also thinking about all the things I”m grateful and thankful for. I’m so thankful for this site, and how awesome you all are! I post stuff I’m not willing to put out there on Facebook. I’ve found out the hard way that my Mom, despite not being on Facebook, finds out about my posts and gets on my case for sharing too much. So the stuff I won’t put on Facebook, I put on here instead. You all aren’t judge mental like some on Facebook are. I really like that. 

As far as my thoughts on God and my faith, that is always a work in progress. I do talk to God and pray sometimes. I asked Him to forgive me for my lack of faith and said I would keep working to improve that. I really think He does listen. We are all sinners, and God gives us free will to mess up our lives as much as we want to. I will keep a dialogue with Him. 

And I will look for a psychotherapist to talk to about my feelings and that, and how I can cope with this all better than I am. I don’t tell my hubby about this stuff, because being in the nursing home, not being able to even leave his room, I imagine he’s going through more than I ever am. So I try and keep it light with him. We did have a conversation a few days ago, when he said he was worried about me. He can seem to read in between the lines, and I have a hard time bullshitting him. He knows me all too well. He said he will be there for me. After getting off the phone, I sobbed for awhile. He’s just the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 

I will keep you all in my prayers. I know so many are struggling. I feel guilty when I complain, because I know so many have it way worse. I love life, and the little things. I saw a bunny the other day, and it was peeking at me from below my concrete patio. It was almost like it was waiting for me to notice it, and then he wiggled his little ears. He did this for a few minutes. I was smiling, and talking to him. I reminded him he’s safe at my home, and he can stay as long as he wants. He was so cute. Then I saw the woodpeckers. There is a male and female, and I have named them Woody and Wendy. They take turns on the bird feeder, and they both will go through birdseed to get a peanut. 

I really appreciate all the love, kindness, and friendship you all have shown on here. Some of you sent PM’s too. Thank you for that. Just know if any of you need to talk or whatever, just PM me.
[Image: attachment.php?aid=8180]
#14
(09-20-2020, 09:10 PM)ChiefD Wrote: And I will look for a psychotherapist to talk to about my feelings and that, and how I can cope with this all better than I am.

if you have to, go ahead. but be careful, some of those SOB's can really screw you up. many of them have just a text book view of things and will tell you that your suffering from xyz when really it's abc. don't go on any meds, unless you just can't absolutely get by without them. some of that shit will just make things worse and they might start changing them hoping to find the right ones which may or may not help. 

i recommend realizing that your hurting and think about why, which i think you know the answer to what that is already. i don't recall if you ever said what the prognoses for your better half is. if he's gonna get better and get out, keep that in front of you and hold on. if it's he's not then cherish every bit of time you can speak to him or see him and realize that it's part of life sometimes. sure it's gonna hurt, but time is a healer of lots of things. what's the old saying.

this to shall pass.

not saying it's going to just go away. it's may last a while, but if you see it and realize what and why it will help.

back to seeing a shrinker,/therapist. if you do decided you might want to nose around and see if you can find anything about one first. never had to deal with that myself personally so i can't tell you how about doing it.
but i can tell you from dealings with some members of family on my mothers side, good ones can help and others can cause more problems.
#15
@"ChiefD" 

Hang In There, it's tough all over and you have a new family here now to fall back on and talk to and get {{{{{HUGS}}}}} from when you need it.
We are all here for you and Each-Other.

Rogue {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
Once A Rogue, Always A Rogue!
[Image: attachment.php?aid=936]
#16
I think 2020 is rough with everybody so you are not alone! To be honest, a clusterfuck is an understatement. It's worse than that. Like a bad nightmare you can't wake up from, but it's not a dream...it's the damn reality.

Here up North, we have these "Ca va bien aller / It's going to be ok" banners with rainbows, plastered everywhere, at every corner.


[Image: GuSmpmO.jpg]


I resent those now. Fuck all of you that think "It's going to be ok" cause well, it isn't and it's not about to change anytime soon.


I hear you loud and clear. You are not alone! Just hang it there!!


((((HUGS))))
~ Today is the youngest you'll ever be again ~


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)